Saturday, May 29, 2010
"The Gate"
Today I'll be summarizing a wonderful little film from 1987 called "The Gate".
We open on a cheesy late 80's suburban housing development full of faux fancy homes that predate the McMansions of modern day Amurica. Young Glen, Stephen Dorff, has a nightmare about being in his tree house when it's struck by lighting and wakes up to find a crew of landscapers removing the fallen tree. When he goes to investigate he finds a geode lodged in a hole in the trunk. He calls his friend Terry over to see it and Terry insists that they can get rich ($100!!!) if they find more geodes. Since the first geode was discovered in the tree trunk, there must be more below the ground where the tree once stood. Of course this logic makes perfect sense, so the duo dig a hole and actually do find a geode much large than the first.
At dinner that night Terry's parents tell him he's grounded for digging the hole and and make him promise to fill it back in. They also say that they're (conveniently) going out of town for the weekend and Glen's older sister Al will be in charge. The second her parents are out the door she hosts a huge party. Glen has Terry over also and the two crack open the geode they found. When they're finally able to open it a puff of smoke and flash of light are released and some mysterious writing is scrawled on Glen's etch-a-sketch. The two read the words, and all hell breaks loose. They run downstairs and they party has turned into a round of light as a feather stiff as a board. The radical party goers ask Glen to join in and he floats up above their hands and can't seem to get down. He grabs onto a light and rips it out of the wall, falling to the floor.
Once everyone's gone Terry and Glen go to bed. Terry wakes up in the night to go the bathroom and finds his dead mother calling to him in the foyer, backlit with a smoke machine stuffed up her dress. When he goes and hugs her, she turns out to be the family dog, who's now dead. Glen wakes up in his room while Terry's gone and sees that his walls are moving and have apparently turned to thin sheets of rubber with a bunch of hands trying to play touchy feely from behind them. They scream and wake up Al, who doesn't believe their stories and passes off the death of Angus the dog to old age.
The next day Al's friends come over during breakfast and plead with her to go with them to the beach leaving Glen behind alone. Glen insists that Al can't go because of the spooky goings on of the previous night but her friends say otherwise. Glen calls one of Al's friends a fag (gasp!) and runs out of the room, leaving another of her friends to unenthusiastically proclaim, "Trez uncool", and they leave Glen to fend for himself.
Meanwhile Terry is back at home listing to some delightful 80's death metal. The music stops and the singer tells a tale of a gate in the earth behind which evil demons are trapped waiting to be released. When he looks at the album art he sees the same inscription as the one they read the night before. Terry runs off to tell Glen, summing it up with the simple and concise phrase, "You got demons."
That night Al invites two of her girlfriends over and some demons break in through Glen's window and start to terrorize the house. When the kids run out of the house they find their parents have come home. Glen runs to his father who screams, "you've been baaaaad" and tries to choke him. Glen squeezes his fathers face, which breaks apart and was apparently filled with milk. Then a hoard of cute lil' 18 inch tall claymation monsters tries tor rush the house, but Al closes the door- stopping them in their tracks. The kids find a bible in the house and go out to the hole in the ground to read from it. The hole actually begins to close but before he finishes reading Terry falls in and drops the book (because he's an idiot). Down in the hole he's surrounded by the adorable demons who start biting him. Al and Glen throw a rope down to him and succeed in pulling him up. They read a bit more from the bible but eventually get bored with it and throw the whole book into the hole which bursts into flames and closes up. Believing the worst to be over Al's friends go home and the other kids go about their business like nothing ever happened. While watching a movie in the basement a dead man bursts from the wall, takes Terry, and disappears back into the wall. The cute lil' demons come back and try to get Al and Glen but again are unsuccessful because Al closes the door on them. While trying to find their fathers gun, the dead man bursts through the wall again taking Al. With two human sacrifices under their belt, the demons are able to summon their master. This guy, while rather large, is actually pretty adorable as well. The big daddy demon picks Glen up and looks at him like a fresh baked cookie but for some reason puts him back down and leaves the house. Glen notices though that the demon leaves a fun eyeball in the palm of his hand. Glen goes and gets a toy rocket launcher from Al's room and stabs his hand eyeball with a piece of glass to summon the papa demon back. He fires the rocket into the demons chest, which for some reason actually does the trick. There is a pretty pretty fireworks display in the sky above the house and Terry, Al, and Angus the dog return from the unknown. The family home still destroyed however, and the film ends with the three children gleefully hugging one another on the steps of the smoldering house.
I learned two important messages from this film. I believe that you could call them the morals of the story. 1) Don't leave children home alone for the weekend because they'll accidentally release evil demons to destroy the earth. 2) You won't find a solution to life's problems in the bible, toy rockets are the only sure fire answer.
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Them!"
This week I'll be walking you through 1954's Them!
The film opens on two policemen driving through the deserts of New Mexico with a small airplane flying overhead. The plane is radioing to the officers in the car that he's spotted a small child wandering through the desert alone and that they should go save her. When they intercept the small girl she stares off into the distance and doesn't seem to respond to their presence at all. She's carrying a broken porcelain doll and appears to be in some sort of shock. Even this early in the film we are able to learn some very important lessons. One- child actors in the 50's were even worse than the child actors of modern times so they weren't allowed to speak. Two- New Mexico policemen in the 50's wore the cutiest lil' bow ties.
The officers put the little girl in the squad car and begin to drive back to town but on the way they find the remains of an airstream camper that appears to have been ripped open like a tin can. No one is around but they do find blood as well as scraps of fabric that match the little girl's dress. After having an ambulance pick the little girl up they head down the road to ask the nearest shop owner if he may have seen anything unusual. When they get to the shop they find it to be torn to shreds just like the camper. They look around and find a shot gun that is bent completely in half, a cash register left completely untouched, and the store's sugar has been torn open and ravaged. They later find the shop owner's bloodied body at the bottom of the basement stairs. A strange animal foot print is found in the sand near the trailer and an autopsy of the storekeepers body reveals a high concentration of formic acid. These clues stump local police so the FBI is brought in. The FBI finds a specialist from the Department of Agriculture, an eccentric little man named Dr. Medford, who brings along his beautiful daughter, Dr. Pat Medford. It can only be assumed that Pat was brought along to fill the film's hitherto lack of sexy dames.
The Dr. Medfords inspect the evidence and begin asking questions about when the last atomic bomb testing was done in the area. They then go to visit the little girl in the hospital to ask her some questions but find that she has still not spoken a word. On a hunch Dr. Medford passes a vile of formic acid under her nose and she springs from her chair screaming, "THEM! THEM! THEM! THEM! THEM!" The police take the Dr. Medfords into the desert to inspect the site of the destroyed trailer. Once there it becomes clear that the doctors have a good idea of what has been doing all the damage, but they are very reluctant to reveal it. When Pat wanders off into the desert alone she is attacked by a giant... a giant... a giant... ANT! Yes a giant ant! Scary Scary! The giant 8 foot tall furry ant puppet just bobs from side to side rather than moving forward to snatch Pat, giving the police plenty of time to shoot at it. Dr. Medford Sr. screams that they should shoot the ant's antennae to disable it since it's exoskeleton is too thick for the bullets to penetrate. HeHe. I said penetrate. They manage to kill the adorable ant creature that's meant to look terrifying and save poor beautiful Pat.
With their worst fears realized- those fears being that nuclear bomb testing in the desert in 1945 created a race of radioactive carnivorous giant ants- the Medford doctors urge the police to help them locate the ant's nest. Flying over the desert they quickly locate the giant opening to the giant nest where the giant ants live. Giant. Then they devise a plan to set bombs (regular bombs not nuclear- or is it nukeular?) off in the entrance of the nest and then release cyanide gas into the tunnels to finish the job. With this done two police officers, along with the gorgeous Pat, grab some flame throwers, put on some gas max, and go down into the nest to see if they were successful in exterminating the entire colony. Of course, when they get down into the holes they find that some of the ants are still alive. Duh. Luckily the ants are no match for the flame throwers, nor are the eggs they find in the queen's chamber. Pat notices though that tow of the eggs were hatched very recently and this worries her so she snaps a few photos. Dr. Medford Sr. finds that those two egg cases had belonged to queen ants who may have had time to escape the lair and venture off to form their own colonies.
One of the queens enters a cargo ship at night while the crew is away and begins to build her nest. Somehow no one aboard the ship notices a gigantic ant nest filled with huge ant eggs before the ship sets sail. The eggs hatch while the boat is at sea and the crew is able to signal the navy before they're all killed. Thankfully the Navy is able to sink the ship before it reaches land, but there is still another queen at large.
Near Los Angeles bodies start piling up and freight trains carrying sugar start reporting overnight break-ins. Finally the other colony is discovered to be based in the sewer system beneath the city. The press is assembled and martial law is proclaimed. Members of the press start shouting their questions and one reporter dares to ask the brilliant question, "has the cold war gotten hot?" The mayor of LA explains to the press and the public just what the problem is and chaos breaks out. The military is brought in to keep the peace and help fight the evil mutant ants. There is a slight chance that two children ran into the sewer to hide from the ants (not knowing that's where they live) and an even slighter chance that if they did run into the sewers that they're still alive. So. rather than trying to set the sewer systems ablaze or fill them with cyanide gas to save the entire city of Los Angeles, some members of the military drive into the sewers to find and rescue the children who are more than likely to already be dead.
Of course, the children are found, alive, along with the egg chamber and central hub of the nest. They find that no new queens have been hatched yet and that other new nests forming elsewhere is not likely to happen. They set the nest ablaze with more flame throwers and the threat is believed to be over.
An army officer begs the question, "If these monsters got started as a result of the first atomic bomb in 1945, what about all the others that have been exploded since then?" Dr. Medford wisely responds, "Nobody knows. When man entered the atomic age he opened a door into a new world. What we eventually find in that new world nobody can predict."
Cue music. The camera turns to the ants being burned alive.
The end.
The film opens on two policemen driving through the deserts of New Mexico with a small airplane flying overhead. The plane is radioing to the officers in the car that he's spotted a small child wandering through the desert alone and that they should go save her. When they intercept the small girl she stares off into the distance and doesn't seem to respond to their presence at all. She's carrying a broken porcelain doll and appears to be in some sort of shock. Even this early in the film we are able to learn some very important lessons. One- child actors in the 50's were even worse than the child actors of modern times so they weren't allowed to speak. Two- New Mexico policemen in the 50's wore the cutiest lil' bow ties.
The officers put the little girl in the squad car and begin to drive back to town but on the way they find the remains of an airstream camper that appears to have been ripped open like a tin can. No one is around but they do find blood as well as scraps of fabric that match the little girl's dress. After having an ambulance pick the little girl up they head down the road to ask the nearest shop owner if he may have seen anything unusual. When they get to the shop they find it to be torn to shreds just like the camper. They look around and find a shot gun that is bent completely in half, a cash register left completely untouched, and the store's sugar has been torn open and ravaged. They later find the shop owner's bloodied body at the bottom of the basement stairs. A strange animal foot print is found in the sand near the trailer and an autopsy of the storekeepers body reveals a high concentration of formic acid. These clues stump local police so the FBI is brought in. The FBI finds a specialist from the Department of Agriculture, an eccentric little man named Dr. Medford, who brings along his beautiful daughter, Dr. Pat Medford. It can only be assumed that Pat was brought along to fill the film's hitherto lack of sexy dames.
The Dr. Medfords inspect the evidence and begin asking questions about when the last atomic bomb testing was done in the area. They then go to visit the little girl in the hospital to ask her some questions but find that she has still not spoken a word. On a hunch Dr. Medford passes a vile of formic acid under her nose and she springs from her chair screaming, "THEM! THEM! THEM! THEM! THEM!" The police take the Dr. Medfords into the desert to inspect the site of the destroyed trailer. Once there it becomes clear that the doctors have a good idea of what has been doing all the damage, but they are very reluctant to reveal it. When Pat wanders off into the desert alone she is attacked by a giant... a giant... a giant... ANT! Yes a giant ant! Scary Scary! The giant 8 foot tall furry ant puppet just bobs from side to side rather than moving forward to snatch Pat, giving the police plenty of time to shoot at it. Dr. Medford Sr. screams that they should shoot the ant's antennae to disable it since it's exoskeleton is too thick for the bullets to penetrate. HeHe. I said penetrate. They manage to kill the adorable ant creature that's meant to look terrifying and save poor beautiful Pat.
With their worst fears realized- those fears being that nuclear bomb testing in the desert in 1945 created a race of radioactive carnivorous giant ants- the Medford doctors urge the police to help them locate the ant's nest. Flying over the desert they quickly locate the giant opening to the giant nest where the giant ants live. Giant. Then they devise a plan to set bombs (regular bombs not nuclear- or is it nukeular?) off in the entrance of the nest and then release cyanide gas into the tunnels to finish the job. With this done two police officers, along with the gorgeous Pat, grab some flame throwers, put on some gas max, and go down into the nest to see if they were successful in exterminating the entire colony. Of course, when they get down into the holes they find that some of the ants are still alive. Duh. Luckily the ants are no match for the flame throwers, nor are the eggs they find in the queen's chamber. Pat notices though that tow of the eggs were hatched very recently and this worries her so she snaps a few photos. Dr. Medford Sr. finds that those two egg cases had belonged to queen ants who may have had time to escape the lair and venture off to form their own colonies.
One of the queens enters a cargo ship at night while the crew is away and begins to build her nest. Somehow no one aboard the ship notices a gigantic ant nest filled with huge ant eggs before the ship sets sail. The eggs hatch while the boat is at sea and the crew is able to signal the navy before they're all killed. Thankfully the Navy is able to sink the ship before it reaches land, but there is still another queen at large.
Near Los Angeles bodies start piling up and freight trains carrying sugar start reporting overnight break-ins. Finally the other colony is discovered to be based in the sewer system beneath the city. The press is assembled and martial law is proclaimed. Members of the press start shouting their questions and one reporter dares to ask the brilliant question, "has the cold war gotten hot?" The mayor of LA explains to the press and the public just what the problem is and chaos breaks out. The military is brought in to keep the peace and help fight the evil mutant ants. There is a slight chance that two children ran into the sewer to hide from the ants (not knowing that's where they live) and an even slighter chance that if they did run into the sewers that they're still alive. So. rather than trying to set the sewer systems ablaze or fill them with cyanide gas to save the entire city of Los Angeles, some members of the military drive into the sewers to find and rescue the children who are more than likely to already be dead.
Of course, the children are found, alive, along with the egg chamber and central hub of the nest. They find that no new queens have been hatched yet and that other new nests forming elsewhere is not likely to happen. They set the nest ablaze with more flame throwers and the threat is believed to be over.
An army officer begs the question, "If these monsters got started as a result of the first atomic bomb in 1945, what about all the others that have been exploded since then?" Dr. Medford wisely responds, "Nobody knows. When man entered the atomic age he opened a door into a new world. What we eventually find in that new world nobody can predict."
Cue music. The camera turns to the ants being burned alive.
The end.
"Orca: The Killer Whale"
This week I'll be summarizing 1977's Orca: The Killer Whale.
This film was created in the height of the Jaws era and was meant to try to capture some of the hype. Appropriately the film begins with some aquatic scientists diving off the coast of Newfoundland and being stalked by a great white shark. At the same time the shark is stalking the divers, it is also being stalked by a group of fishermen. One of the divers falls off of his boat and the sharks barrels forward to snatch him up. Suddenly an Orca appears as if from no where to intercept the great white and kill him. Witnessing the strength and ability of the Orca sparks an interest in the fisherman who was trying to catch the shark.
The fisherman, Nolan, decides to try to catch a live Orca to sell to a theme park even though he has no experience catching live sea creatures and really knows next to nothing about whales. He builds an enclosure to keep the whale once he's captured it and heads out with his crew. They stumble upon a pair of Orcas swimming along and decide to harpoon one to get it up onto the boat. They miss the male Orca and instead hit the female. The harpoon does much more damage to the female than intended and she goes berserk. When they're finally able to pull her up onto the deck of the boat and see how much blood she's loosing, she gives birth to an underdeveloped plastic whale fetus.
Seeing his wife and until then unborn child murdered in front of him sends the male Orca into a murderous rampage. The whale starts ramming himself into the bottom of the boat and the crew scramble to stop him. One of the men climbs out to cut the rope holding the female on deck, releasing her body back into the water. The whale uses this opportunity to jump out of the water and snatch the crew member from the pole and kill him. Then the Orca pushes his dead female's body along and follows the boat back to the bay. Once he finds where Nolan lives he starts terrorizing the little fishing village. He goes around scaring away all the fish, bashing holes in boats, and even setting fire to the harbor's dock complex. (That's right- the whale set the docks on fire) The other fishermen demand that Nolan go out to hunt to Orca down and put an end to this chaos. Even a wise old Indian man comes and says that the whale must be killed.
Before he's able to make up his mind, the Orca starts terrorizing Nolan's other crew members. He knocks down the house, which unfortunately is built on stilts above the water, of a female crew member played by Bo Derek, and bites off one of her (beautiful) legs. Nolan piles his remaining crew into his boat and heads out to sea. The Orca leads the boat to the icy north, picking off crew members along the way. Once very far north the whale pushes a small iceberg into the side of the boat causing it to capsize. Nolan rushes out onto a sheet of ice to flee the sinking boat but the whale starts punching holes through the thin sheet. The whale tips the sheet up and Nolan falls in the water and tries to escape death by grabbing onto the Orca's tail. The Orca flips his tail suddenly forward, pitching Nolan into an iceberg, killing him. Nolan tumbles down into the water and the Orca swims happily away.
The end.
This film was created in the height of the Jaws era and was meant to try to capture some of the hype. Appropriately the film begins with some aquatic scientists diving off the coast of Newfoundland and being stalked by a great white shark. At the same time the shark is stalking the divers, it is also being stalked by a group of fishermen. One of the divers falls off of his boat and the sharks barrels forward to snatch him up. Suddenly an Orca appears as if from no where to intercept the great white and kill him. Witnessing the strength and ability of the Orca sparks an interest in the fisherman who was trying to catch the shark.
The fisherman, Nolan, decides to try to catch a live Orca to sell to a theme park even though he has no experience catching live sea creatures and really knows next to nothing about whales. He builds an enclosure to keep the whale once he's captured it and heads out with his crew. They stumble upon a pair of Orcas swimming along and decide to harpoon one to get it up onto the boat. They miss the male Orca and instead hit the female. The harpoon does much more damage to the female than intended and she goes berserk. When they're finally able to pull her up onto the deck of the boat and see how much blood she's loosing, she gives birth to an underdeveloped plastic whale fetus.
Seeing his wife and until then unborn child murdered in front of him sends the male Orca into a murderous rampage. The whale starts ramming himself into the bottom of the boat and the crew scramble to stop him. One of the men climbs out to cut the rope holding the female on deck, releasing her body back into the water. The whale uses this opportunity to jump out of the water and snatch the crew member from the pole and kill him. Then the Orca pushes his dead female's body along and follows the boat back to the bay. Once he finds where Nolan lives he starts terrorizing the little fishing village. He goes around scaring away all the fish, bashing holes in boats, and even setting fire to the harbor's dock complex. (That's right- the whale set the docks on fire) The other fishermen demand that Nolan go out to hunt to Orca down and put an end to this chaos. Even a wise old Indian man comes and says that the whale must be killed.
Before he's able to make up his mind, the Orca starts terrorizing Nolan's other crew members. He knocks down the house, which unfortunately is built on stilts above the water, of a female crew member played by Bo Derek, and bites off one of her (beautiful) legs. Nolan piles his remaining crew into his boat and heads out to sea. The Orca leads the boat to the icy north, picking off crew members along the way. Once very far north the whale pushes a small iceberg into the side of the boat causing it to capsize. Nolan rushes out onto a sheet of ice to flee the sinking boat but the whale starts punching holes through the thin sheet. The whale tips the sheet up and Nolan falls in the water and tries to escape death by grabbing onto the Orca's tail. The Orca flips his tail suddenly forward, pitching Nolan into an iceberg, killing him. Nolan tumbles down into the water and the Orca swims happily away.
The end.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"The Car"
It's been a few weeks and I figured it was high time for another spoiler alert. This week I'll be summarizing 1977's The Car.
The film opens with two young people with their lives ahead of them riding their bikes down a winding mountain road. They're having the time of their lives, which turns out to be their last, when a mysterious black luxury car appears to terrorize them and eventually run them off the road and over the edge of a cliff. When the car starts knocking off a cast of bit characters, including an annoying hitchhiking horn playing hippie and an elderly policeman, the law gets involved. After interviewing a wise old indian woman the town sheriff, Wade, learns that the killer sedan appears to have no driver. Wade, who's canoodling the town music teacher, gets worried and tells another officer to cancel the marching band practice. In a state of shock the officer forgets to pass the order on to the music teacher and the practice goes on as scheduled. When the evil black car arrives on the scene of the practice chaos ensues and the teachers usher all of the children into an old cemetery (for some strange reason) This is when we find out Wade's lady friend, Lauren the music teacher, has balls of steel. When the car doesn't enter the graveyard she begins to taunt and tease the car, challenging the driver to get out and show their face. The car is visibly aggravated but never enters the cemetery. The law arrives at the parade grounds and the car flees the scene and the police pursue. One officer is tricked into following the car up a winding road and turns a corner to find the car facing him. The car moves forward and nudges the police car off the edge of the cliff. Somehow, perhaps in anticipation of the impact, the police car bursts into flames the moment it goes over the edge. Back at the base of the cliff the car meets more police and flips itself over, rolling over the police vehicles causing them to burst into fire. The car lands on its four wheels and drives off unharmed. The car next meets Wade, who's waiting beside his motorcycle with his gun drawn. He aims and fires at the demon vehicle but is unable to make a dent no matter where he fires. The car pops it's drivers side door open and coaxes Wade to come peak inside but when he reaches the car the door swings open knocking Wade unconscious on the side of the road. With Wade in the hospital and the rest of the force trying to find a way to stop the evil car Lauren goes home to rest. While on the phone with Wade in the hospital the evil car gets his revenge for Lauren's taunts by crashing through her living room window and killing her. Wade and the other officers decide that since the car wasn't able to enter the cemetery, hallowed ground and all, that it must be pure evil and it must be stopped. They round up all the plastic explosives they can and begin to run around town gathering all the tools and supplies they'll need to, well, Get 'R' Dun. While rummaging around in his barn, Wade finds that he isn't alone, that somehow the car has gotten in their with him. He jumps over the car and onto his trusty hog, narrowly escaping with his life. A chase ensues but the other officers have already started driving out to ready the explosives. Wade and another officer use themselves as bait and trick the car into driving off the edge of a cliff, at the bottom of which are a huge quantity of explosives. When the car hits the bottom and the bombs explode the face of pure Evil with a capital E is visible in the flames.
The end.
The film opens with two young people with their lives ahead of them riding their bikes down a winding mountain road. They're having the time of their lives, which turns out to be their last, when a mysterious black luxury car appears to terrorize them and eventually run them off the road and over the edge of a cliff. When the car starts knocking off a cast of bit characters, including an annoying hitchhiking horn playing hippie and an elderly policeman, the law gets involved. After interviewing a wise old indian woman the town sheriff, Wade, learns that the killer sedan appears to have no driver. Wade, who's canoodling the town music teacher, gets worried and tells another officer to cancel the marching band practice. In a state of shock the officer forgets to pass the order on to the music teacher and the practice goes on as scheduled. When the evil black car arrives on the scene of the practice chaos ensues and the teachers usher all of the children into an old cemetery (for some strange reason) This is when we find out Wade's lady friend, Lauren the music teacher, has balls of steel. When the car doesn't enter the graveyard she begins to taunt and tease the car, challenging the driver to get out and show their face. The car is visibly aggravated but never enters the cemetery. The law arrives at the parade grounds and the car flees the scene and the police pursue. One officer is tricked into following the car up a winding road and turns a corner to find the car facing him. The car moves forward and nudges the police car off the edge of the cliff. Somehow, perhaps in anticipation of the impact, the police car bursts into flames the moment it goes over the edge. Back at the base of the cliff the car meets more police and flips itself over, rolling over the police vehicles causing them to burst into fire. The car lands on its four wheels and drives off unharmed. The car next meets Wade, who's waiting beside his motorcycle with his gun drawn. He aims and fires at the demon vehicle but is unable to make a dent no matter where he fires. The car pops it's drivers side door open and coaxes Wade to come peak inside but when he reaches the car the door swings open knocking Wade unconscious on the side of the road. With Wade in the hospital and the rest of the force trying to find a way to stop the evil car Lauren goes home to rest. While on the phone with Wade in the hospital the evil car gets his revenge for Lauren's taunts by crashing through her living room window and killing her. Wade and the other officers decide that since the car wasn't able to enter the cemetery, hallowed ground and all, that it must be pure evil and it must be stopped. They round up all the plastic explosives they can and begin to run around town gathering all the tools and supplies they'll need to, well, Get 'R' Dun. While rummaging around in his barn, Wade finds that he isn't alone, that somehow the car has gotten in their with him. He jumps over the car and onto his trusty hog, narrowly escaping with his life. A chase ensues but the other officers have already started driving out to ready the explosives. Wade and another officer use themselves as bait and trick the car into driving off the edge of a cliff, at the bottom of which are a huge quantity of explosives. When the car hits the bottom and the bombs explode the face of pure Evil with a capital E is visible in the flames.
The end.
"Black Roses"
Okay. Here we go- Another stupid day, another stupid movie.
Today I'll be summarizing a wonderful little film called Black Roses. That's two movies in two days folks- now thats devotion- I hope you enjoy yourselves.
Black Roses takes place in a quiet midwestern town called Mill Basin. All the teenagers in the town really love this totally tubular rock band called Black Roses, but all the square old people and town leaders think that the band is EVIL!!! Black Roses decides to play four consecutive nights in Mill Basin to launch their very first tour and all HELL breaks loose! The parents and church groups and civic leaders in the town try to protest, insisting they are tools of satan and conduits of evil, but all the kids insist that the band is like so totally righteous and radical to the max. The mayor steps in and says that the concerts will go on as scheduled, but with the concert dates getting nearer and nearer, strange things start happening in Mill Basin- you know- when one of the rowdy teens decides to paint the town red, the can of red paint he is going to use mysteriously bursts into flames when he opens it- that kind of thing.
The night of the first concert the mayor and many of the parents and teachers decide to check out the band to see just how demonic their performance will be. The band comes on, plays some pretty tame generic cock rock, and satisfied that the band isn't as menacing as they expected, the parents leave. They next day the usually peaceful town continues to see strange occurrences and behavior. The students seem lackluster and even sometimes violent, record players start turning themselves on and off at whim, rubber monsters start popping out of stereo speakers and eating parents, stuff like that. The night of the second concert the band holds a satanic ceremony in their dressing room before the show and afterwards the kids are totally out of control. They start running around smashing windows, getting into fights, even kissing one another and using foul language. A few of the youngsters even start going around seducing their elders and murdering their parents.
The town's English teacher begins to suspect that Black Roses' music must be behind the suspicious behavior, and decides to go to their third concert and see what's really going on. Unfortunately he goes to the library first to do some research on devil worship and falls asleep. The mayhem continues. The town's young girls keep dressing like common tramps and trollops, and all the kids keep going around killing people. When the teacher wakes up the next day he realizes that one of the students in particular has been committing some really heinous acts. Julie used to be his prize student, but now she's gone and killed her stepfather and the teacher's ex-girlfriend. When Julie shows up at the teacher's door, he invites her in and starts to ask her what's wrong with her- but she has other ideas. She decides to try to seduce him and when he refuses she turns into a really ugly plastic demon. He beats her head with a tennis racket and then stabs her in the chest with a table leg. Now he knows somethings up!
The teacher goes to the gas station, fills up a portable gas can, and takes it with him to the fourth concert. He succeeds in sneaking the into the concert- but somehow gets caught when, in clear view of the entire audience, he starts dumping the gasoline on the stage. The band members grab the teacher and hold him back as the leader singer, Damien, reaches back and pulls off his mullet wig to reveal that... he's BALD!!! Then Damien turns into a demon, along with the rest of the band. For some reason making the transformation to a plastic demon takes a quite a while, leaving the teacher ample time to set the spilled gasoline ablaze. Damien and the rest of the band catch on fire so- they pick up their instruments and start playing instead of trying to escape. As the band goes up in smoke, the town's youngsters snap back to their senses and run out of the theater, not remembering any of the evil deeds they've committed over the past few days.
All seems right with the world and we thank our lucky stars that the teacher was able to burn the evil band alive, but then the film fast forwards six months. Some of the survivors in Mill Basin are watching the news and an entertainment report comes on announcing that after a six month hiatus the band Black Roses will be playing Madison Square Garden in New York City before continuing their tour in Europe. Heaven help us!
The End.
Today I'll be summarizing a wonderful little film called Black Roses. That's two movies in two days folks- now thats devotion- I hope you enjoy yourselves.
Black Roses takes place in a quiet midwestern town called Mill Basin. All the teenagers in the town really love this totally tubular rock band called Black Roses, but all the square old people and town leaders think that the band is EVIL!!! Black Roses decides to play four consecutive nights in Mill Basin to launch their very first tour and all HELL breaks loose! The parents and church groups and civic leaders in the town try to protest, insisting they are tools of satan and conduits of evil, but all the kids insist that the band is like so totally righteous and radical to the max. The mayor steps in and says that the concerts will go on as scheduled, but with the concert dates getting nearer and nearer, strange things start happening in Mill Basin- you know- when one of the rowdy teens decides to paint the town red, the can of red paint he is going to use mysteriously bursts into flames when he opens it- that kind of thing.
The night of the first concert the mayor and many of the parents and teachers decide to check out the band to see just how demonic their performance will be. The band comes on, plays some pretty tame generic cock rock, and satisfied that the band isn't as menacing as they expected, the parents leave. They next day the usually peaceful town continues to see strange occurrences and behavior. The students seem lackluster and even sometimes violent, record players start turning themselves on and off at whim, rubber monsters start popping out of stereo speakers and eating parents, stuff like that. The night of the second concert the band holds a satanic ceremony in their dressing room before the show and afterwards the kids are totally out of control. They start running around smashing windows, getting into fights, even kissing one another and using foul language. A few of the youngsters even start going around seducing their elders and murdering their parents.
The town's English teacher begins to suspect that Black Roses' music must be behind the suspicious behavior, and decides to go to their third concert and see what's really going on. Unfortunately he goes to the library first to do some research on devil worship and falls asleep. The mayhem continues. The town's young girls keep dressing like common tramps and trollops, and all the kids keep going around killing people. When the teacher wakes up the next day he realizes that one of the students in particular has been committing some really heinous acts. Julie used to be his prize student, but now she's gone and killed her stepfather and the teacher's ex-girlfriend. When Julie shows up at the teacher's door, he invites her in and starts to ask her what's wrong with her- but she has other ideas. She decides to try to seduce him and when he refuses she turns into a really ugly plastic demon. He beats her head with a tennis racket and then stabs her in the chest with a table leg. Now he knows somethings up!
The teacher goes to the gas station, fills up a portable gas can, and takes it with him to the fourth concert. He succeeds in sneaking the into the concert- but somehow gets caught when, in clear view of the entire audience, he starts dumping the gasoline on the stage. The band members grab the teacher and hold him back as the leader singer, Damien, reaches back and pulls off his mullet wig to reveal that... he's BALD!!! Then Damien turns into a demon, along with the rest of the band. For some reason making the transformation to a plastic demon takes a quite a while, leaving the teacher ample time to set the spilled gasoline ablaze. Damien and the rest of the band catch on fire so- they pick up their instruments and start playing instead of trying to escape. As the band goes up in smoke, the town's youngsters snap back to their senses and run out of the theater, not remembering any of the evil deeds they've committed over the past few days.
All seems right with the world and we thank our lucky stars that the teacher was able to burn the evil band alive, but then the film fast forwards six months. Some of the survivors in Mill Basin are watching the news and an entertainment report comes on announcing that after a six month hiatus the band Black Roses will be playing Madison Square Garden in New York City before continuing their tour in Europe. Heaven help us!
The End.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Black Sheep"
I really want to keep at this summary writing. The problem is that after the first few films, I've been having a hard time finding "horror" films that are as badly written/acted/filmed/etc as I'd like. I'm looking for something thats not only poorly done but also humorous (intentionally humorous honestly works better for my purposes) Something that hopefully includes lots of poorly executed jokes, ladies with their tops off, and maybe even a musical number or two. Since my first two summaries (Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter and Thankskilling) I've had a hard time finding films that are up to par, although this next film may put me back on track. Most recently I wrote about Poultrygeist. It honestly met most of my criteria but it was waaaay too gross to write about without offending people, and had waaaaay too much going on throughout the course of the film to summarize without sounding scattered and rushed. So- to those of you familiar with Troma films- they're out. I understand and even enjoy the humor- but I can't stomach the level of gross that they aspire to.
If anyone can recommend a film I haven't already written about and that isn't from the Troma lineup please please please let me know...
Having said all that I think I'm back on the right path- today I'll be summarizing a little film called Black Sheep. I hope you enjoy my summary of it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The film opens on a picturesque landscape and a bunch of cute little sheep grazing on the rolling hills of New Zealand. Cut to a family of sheep farmers- a father working in the fields- and two sons. One of these sons immediately establishes himself as a sick and twisted little bugger- who murders his little brother's pet sheep in cold blood, skins him and hangs his bloody carcass from the rafters in the barn, and wears his still bloody skin- all in the hopes of scaring his sweet little bother shitless. The younger brother walks in and is successfully terrified, when their housekeeper walks in to tell the boys that there has been an accident with their father...
Fast forward 15 years. Some dirty hippie vegan animal rights activists sporting a Meat is Murder bumper sticker are meddling on the fields of the sheep farm. You can just smell something bad coming from their shenanigans. Nothing good ever comes from vegan hippies in a horror movie... The younger of the two brothers, Henry, is returning to the farm in a cab, where he finds his older brother, Angus, preparing a speech he's going to give on the wonders of genetic engineering in modern agriculture. Angus makes fun of the sheepish (hehehe) Henry, who is apparently now terrified of sheep. Meanwhile the trouble making tree huggers stumble upon a laboratory where they find a cooler marked "for disposal". One of the peaceniks steals a jar from the cooler and the two run into the woods, but the first one trips on a root and smashes the glass jar, releasing a live, yet horribly mutated, sheep fetus. The fetus crawls on the hippies back and bites him on his ear, which is apparently made of rubber. Terrified, he bashes the sheep against a tree to get it to release its grasp. The fetus crawls away to the fields to infect the healthy flock, leaving the vegan moron cowering and crying in fetal position. Back at the farm, Henry's cousin Tucker offers to take him up to the fields to help him get over his fears. Along the way they bump into the other hippie, named Experience, who's looking for her partner in crime. While looking for him they stumble upon a farm house billowing with smoke. Once inside they find a kitchen spattered with blood, and Experience notices that the room, gasp!, has terrible feng shui!!!
Meanwhile, in the woods, the bitten hippie, Grant, is sitting up and trying to pull himself together when he spots a cute lil' bunny wabbit. Being a vegan tree hugger, he picks the little cutie pie up and starts petting it and assuring it (and himself) that everything is going to be okay. Suddenly his eyes glow red and he snaps and bites the fuzzy lil' bunny, eating him raw. Hillshire Farms- GO MEAT!!!
Back at the smokey farmhouse Henry, Tucker, and Experience find, and are chased by, a vicious blood thirsty sheep with huge bloody teeth. They lock themselves in a bedroom but the sheep busts his horrible little head through the door and they have to shoot it in the head a few times before it finally dies. They flee the house and hop in their truck, Experience and Henry in the back, Tucker in the front. Before they can get away another evil sheep gets into the cab of the truck and begins to attack poor Tucker. Tucker punches the sheep in the nose (but not before he's bitten on the foot), stunning the lil' guy, and buying him enough time to crawl out of the cab through the back window onto the truck bed. The evil sheep takes the wheel and starts driving the truck like a lunatic. In the back the bumbling trio notice that the sheep is driving them right towards a cliff and jump off the truck just in time to save themselves. The sheep in the cab isn't so lucky and with a wide eyed look of "Oh Shit!" goes plummeting off the cliff. The trio decide they have no choice but to make their way back to their farm even though there are evil sheep all along the way. They stumble upon the lab on their way and run inside to escape from a stampeding flock of evil barnyard animals.
At the same time Angus is on his way to the lab but bumps into the no longer vegan Grant, who has begun to turn into what can only be described as... DUN DUN DUN!!! A big scary Were-sheep!!!! Yes folks, that's right, a were-sheep... Grant bites Angus on the hand and scurries off into the fields, leaving Angus to drive to the lab and find the protagonist trio. Once there Angus escorts his brother and Experience outside and the mad scientist woman responsible for the sheep fetus injects Tucker with some sleepy time medicine. Outside the evil flock of sheep charge at Henry and Experience, and they fall into a disgusting pit of rotting gross that the scientists have been dumping their failed experiments in. Experience lights a geranium aroma therapy candle to calm her nerves. Through the entire film she has been exasperatingly unimpressed by the danger at hand, but rather has kept on point with her inane environmentalist ramblings- modern agriculture rapes mother earth, methane from sheep farts cause rises in levels of green house gases, etc. Once down in the pit I'm hoping a genetically mutated sheep fetus will jump out and kill the bitch, but no such luck. Henry finds a tunnel/cave and they head off to find a way out.
Back in the lab the scientist sees the bite mark through Tucker's boot and removes it to reveal that his foot has turned into a hairy cloven hoof. Instead of a reaction of horror, she is delighted and thinks this may be her great break through with her research. Henry and Experience are crawling on their stomachs to get out of the cave when they are suddenly attacked from behind by one of the evil sheep. They hurry and scurry and find an opening, narrowly escaping through the hole which the sheep can't fit through- so -they toss the aroma therapy candle at the struggling sheep, which bursts into flames as though soaked in gasoline. Now- I don't really believe sheep to be so highly flammable, but what do I know? Once out of the cave they find that Grant has turned into a full fledged giant sheep person. He charges at them and tries to attack when Experience notices blood on Grants snout, and starts asking him if he's been eating meat, and if the meat was even organic. Grant pauses, perplexed, just long enough for Henry and Experience to escape.
Back at the lab, Tucker has almost completed the transition himself and the mad scientist lady is delighted. She gives him an injection which turns him back into a human, and cackles with glee as she proclaims that she'll be able to further her research with this serum. She gives him another dose of sleepy sauce and leaves to join Angus at the speech he was preparing for when he met Henry so many scenes ago. Unfortunately she is attacked by killer sheep and never quite makes it.
Back near the farm house, dozens of local farmers and industry experts have gathered out doors to hear Angus' speech about the wonders of genetic engineering. Henry and Experience arrive at a clearing just in time to witness a giant flock of evil sheep barreling right for the gathering. From afar they witness the entire group get devoured in a wonderfully violent blood bath with more than a hint of humor.
The housekeeper pulls up in her car just in time to save Henry and Experience. They head back to the house and lock themselves in to find that Grant has beat them there. Experience successfully paralyzes him using a match stick as an acupuncture needle, but not before he is able to bite Henry. Then they find that Angus is there too, and has also begun to turn. He confesses that in the lab they had combined human DNA, Angus' DNA in fact, with sheep DNA to create this new breed of sheep they'd been working on. He insists he needs to save his research and since he hasn't become violent yet he leaves them in the house as he runs out to try to reach the barn and fly to safety in his Cessna airplane
Outside, the house is surrounded by killer sheep, and many of the people attacked at the speech have turned into were-sheep as well. Experience and the housekeeper escape out the back and reach her car. With the housekeeper driving and Experience brandishing a shot gun and standing through the sunroof, they drive down the road shooting as many of the evil sheep and were-sheep people as possible. Henry is able to move safely through the herd, as he's been bitten. He is following Angus and trying to beat him to the barn before he is able to fly off. Angus reaches the barn first and starts the plane, but before he's able to climb in he turns into a full were-sheep. Henry reaches the barn and he and Angus begin to fight each other. They leave the barn and take their fight into the field, the unmanned airplane begins to meander through the field as well and Henry is able to back Angus up into the planes propellors. Tucker, now awake and no longer a were-sheep, thanks to the mad scientist's serum, arrives on a four wheeler just in time to inject Angus before he is able to retaliate. Human once again, Angus falls to the ground and bleeds to death in the field. Tucker gives Henry the shot too, and they regroup with Experience and the housekeeper. Using a sheep dog they round all the evil sheep together. Apparently the sheep are strong enough to kill and devour human beings but are still afraid of a sheep dog. The group is trying to figure out what to do with the evil sheep, as there isn't enough serum to cure them all, when they notice the sheep are all farting (probably because their stomach's aren't used to so much raw meat???). Experience reminds the group about how methane from animal farming adds to green house gasses, and they decide to use the methane to their advantage. They toss a lighter toward the flatulent flock, and Kablooey!!!, the whole bunch of them explode in a fire ball!
Next we see the survivors on a beautiful sunny day injecting the remaining were-sheep with the rest of the serum and turning them human again. Henry, Tucker and Experience decide they're going to keep the farm, but run it organically from now on. The house keeper arrives with a delicious batch of mountain oysters she just whipped up for the gang to enjoy, but Experience is the only one to indulge, admitting she does eat a bit of sea food every once in a while. Henry leans in and whispers that mountain oysters aren't seafood at all, but fried sheep testicles. Experience spits out her mouthful of balls and they all have a good laugh.
The end.
If anyone can recommend a film I haven't already written about and that isn't from the Troma lineup please please please let me know...
Having said all that I think I'm back on the right path- today I'll be summarizing a little film called Black Sheep. I hope you enjoy my summary of it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The film opens on a picturesque landscape and a bunch of cute little sheep grazing on the rolling hills of New Zealand. Cut to a family of sheep farmers- a father working in the fields- and two sons. One of these sons immediately establishes himself as a sick and twisted little bugger- who murders his little brother's pet sheep in cold blood, skins him and hangs his bloody carcass from the rafters in the barn, and wears his still bloody skin- all in the hopes of scaring his sweet little bother shitless. The younger brother walks in and is successfully terrified, when their housekeeper walks in to tell the boys that there has been an accident with their father...
Fast forward 15 years. Some dirty hippie vegan animal rights activists sporting a Meat is Murder bumper sticker are meddling on the fields of the sheep farm. You can just smell something bad coming from their shenanigans. Nothing good ever comes from vegan hippies in a horror movie... The younger of the two brothers, Henry, is returning to the farm in a cab, where he finds his older brother, Angus, preparing a speech he's going to give on the wonders of genetic engineering in modern agriculture. Angus makes fun of the sheepish (hehehe) Henry, who is apparently now terrified of sheep. Meanwhile the trouble making tree huggers stumble upon a laboratory where they find a cooler marked "for disposal". One of the peaceniks steals a jar from the cooler and the two run into the woods, but the first one trips on a root and smashes the glass jar, releasing a live, yet horribly mutated, sheep fetus. The fetus crawls on the hippies back and bites him on his ear, which is apparently made of rubber. Terrified, he bashes the sheep against a tree to get it to release its grasp. The fetus crawls away to the fields to infect the healthy flock, leaving the vegan moron cowering and crying in fetal position. Back at the farm, Henry's cousin Tucker offers to take him up to the fields to help him get over his fears. Along the way they bump into the other hippie, named Experience, who's looking for her partner in crime. While looking for him they stumble upon a farm house billowing with smoke. Once inside they find a kitchen spattered with blood, and Experience notices that the room, gasp!, has terrible feng shui!!!
Meanwhile, in the woods, the bitten hippie, Grant, is sitting up and trying to pull himself together when he spots a cute lil' bunny wabbit. Being a vegan tree hugger, he picks the little cutie pie up and starts petting it and assuring it (and himself) that everything is going to be okay. Suddenly his eyes glow red and he snaps and bites the fuzzy lil' bunny, eating him raw. Hillshire Farms- GO MEAT!!!
Back at the smokey farmhouse Henry, Tucker, and Experience find, and are chased by, a vicious blood thirsty sheep with huge bloody teeth. They lock themselves in a bedroom but the sheep busts his horrible little head through the door and they have to shoot it in the head a few times before it finally dies. They flee the house and hop in their truck, Experience and Henry in the back, Tucker in the front. Before they can get away another evil sheep gets into the cab of the truck and begins to attack poor Tucker. Tucker punches the sheep in the nose (but not before he's bitten on the foot), stunning the lil' guy, and buying him enough time to crawl out of the cab through the back window onto the truck bed. The evil sheep takes the wheel and starts driving the truck like a lunatic. In the back the bumbling trio notice that the sheep is driving them right towards a cliff and jump off the truck just in time to save themselves. The sheep in the cab isn't so lucky and with a wide eyed look of "Oh Shit!" goes plummeting off the cliff. The trio decide they have no choice but to make their way back to their farm even though there are evil sheep all along the way. They stumble upon the lab on their way and run inside to escape from a stampeding flock of evil barnyard animals.
At the same time Angus is on his way to the lab but bumps into the no longer vegan Grant, who has begun to turn into what can only be described as... DUN DUN DUN!!! A big scary Were-sheep!!!! Yes folks, that's right, a were-sheep... Grant bites Angus on the hand and scurries off into the fields, leaving Angus to drive to the lab and find the protagonist trio. Once there Angus escorts his brother and Experience outside and the mad scientist woman responsible for the sheep fetus injects Tucker with some sleepy time medicine. Outside the evil flock of sheep charge at Henry and Experience, and they fall into a disgusting pit of rotting gross that the scientists have been dumping their failed experiments in. Experience lights a geranium aroma therapy candle to calm her nerves. Through the entire film she has been exasperatingly unimpressed by the danger at hand, but rather has kept on point with her inane environmentalist ramblings- modern agriculture rapes mother earth, methane from sheep farts cause rises in levels of green house gases, etc. Once down in the pit I'm hoping a genetically mutated sheep fetus will jump out and kill the bitch, but no such luck. Henry finds a tunnel/cave and they head off to find a way out.
Back in the lab the scientist sees the bite mark through Tucker's boot and removes it to reveal that his foot has turned into a hairy cloven hoof. Instead of a reaction of horror, she is delighted and thinks this may be her great break through with her research. Henry and Experience are crawling on their stomachs to get out of the cave when they are suddenly attacked from behind by one of the evil sheep. They hurry and scurry and find an opening, narrowly escaping through the hole which the sheep can't fit through- so -they toss the aroma therapy candle at the struggling sheep, which bursts into flames as though soaked in gasoline. Now- I don't really believe sheep to be so highly flammable, but what do I know? Once out of the cave they find that Grant has turned into a full fledged giant sheep person. He charges at them and tries to attack when Experience notices blood on Grants snout, and starts asking him if he's been eating meat, and if the meat was even organic. Grant pauses, perplexed, just long enough for Henry and Experience to escape.
Back at the lab, Tucker has almost completed the transition himself and the mad scientist lady is delighted. She gives him an injection which turns him back into a human, and cackles with glee as she proclaims that she'll be able to further her research with this serum. She gives him another dose of sleepy sauce and leaves to join Angus at the speech he was preparing for when he met Henry so many scenes ago. Unfortunately she is attacked by killer sheep and never quite makes it.
Back near the farm house, dozens of local farmers and industry experts have gathered out doors to hear Angus' speech about the wonders of genetic engineering. Henry and Experience arrive at a clearing just in time to witness a giant flock of evil sheep barreling right for the gathering. From afar they witness the entire group get devoured in a wonderfully violent blood bath with more than a hint of humor.
The housekeeper pulls up in her car just in time to save Henry and Experience. They head back to the house and lock themselves in to find that Grant has beat them there. Experience successfully paralyzes him using a match stick as an acupuncture needle, but not before he is able to bite Henry. Then they find that Angus is there too, and has also begun to turn. He confesses that in the lab they had combined human DNA, Angus' DNA in fact, with sheep DNA to create this new breed of sheep they'd been working on. He insists he needs to save his research and since he hasn't become violent yet he leaves them in the house as he runs out to try to reach the barn and fly to safety in his Cessna airplane
Outside, the house is surrounded by killer sheep, and many of the people attacked at the speech have turned into were-sheep as well. Experience and the housekeeper escape out the back and reach her car. With the housekeeper driving and Experience brandishing a shot gun and standing through the sunroof, they drive down the road shooting as many of the evil sheep and were-sheep people as possible. Henry is able to move safely through the herd, as he's been bitten. He is following Angus and trying to beat him to the barn before he is able to fly off. Angus reaches the barn first and starts the plane, but before he's able to climb in he turns into a full were-sheep. Henry reaches the barn and he and Angus begin to fight each other. They leave the barn and take their fight into the field, the unmanned airplane begins to meander through the field as well and Henry is able to back Angus up into the planes propellors. Tucker, now awake and no longer a were-sheep, thanks to the mad scientist's serum, arrives on a four wheeler just in time to inject Angus before he is able to retaliate. Human once again, Angus falls to the ground and bleeds to death in the field. Tucker gives Henry the shot too, and they regroup with Experience and the housekeeper. Using a sheep dog they round all the evil sheep together. Apparently the sheep are strong enough to kill and devour human beings but are still afraid of a sheep dog. The group is trying to figure out what to do with the evil sheep, as there isn't enough serum to cure them all, when they notice the sheep are all farting (probably because their stomach's aren't used to so much raw meat???). Experience reminds the group about how methane from animal farming adds to green house gasses, and they decide to use the methane to their advantage. They toss a lighter toward the flatulent flock, and Kablooey!!!, the whole bunch of them explode in a fire ball!
Next we see the survivors on a beautiful sunny day injecting the remaining were-sheep with the rest of the serum and turning them human again. Henry, Tucker and Experience decide they're going to keep the farm, but run it organically from now on. The house keeper arrives with a delicious batch of mountain oysters she just whipped up for the gang to enjoy, but Experience is the only one to indulge, admitting she does eat a bit of sea food every once in a while. Henry leans in and whispers that mountain oysters aren't seafood at all, but fried sheep testicles. Experience spits out her mouthful of balls and they all have a good laugh.
The end.
"Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead"
Okie Doke. Time for another terrible horror movie summary and let me tell you- this one's a doozie. Hold on to your butts, we're in for a bumpy ride. Filled with original songs, fake blood, doodie, vomit, sex, and gore, and a plethora of titties, boobies, tatas, and melons; this movie was one of the most ridiculous and disgusting things I've ever seen. I feel it necessary to mention that Poultrygeist is a Troma film. For those of you who are familiar with Troma, you understand the genre. Most of you probably do not know Troma films very well so suffice it to say that these movies incorporate very juvenile potty humor with the most disgusting over the top gore and yuck you've ever seen. Every film is nastier than the last. Even this summary is not for the faint of heart so read at your own risk.
Okay so we open on two horny teens, Arby and Wendy (The movie's about a fast food chain so... witty huh?) dry humping in an ancient indian burial ground. Wendy's about to go off to college and leave poor Arby to take care of his retarded family, but Wendy promises that she wont change while away at school. Things start to get hot and heavy and Arby and Wendy begin to have the copulation time. Of course, they're in an indian burial ground, so, some dead people's arms pop out of the ground and start feeling up all over them. They're so into each other that they don't even seem to notice. Then a man holding an axe pops out from behind one of the gravestones and scares the two kids half to death. He is masturbating so they decide to leave, but they forget to retrieve their underwear. The creepy guy picks up the forgotten garments and starts smelling them and masturbating. Suddenly- an arm shoots out of the ground and into the mans... ummm... booty. The arm rips through his whole body, comes out his mouth, grabs the underpants, and then goes back into the ground, leaving the creepy guy to die.
One year passes and a fast food chicken chain has been built on the grounds of the graveyard. Arby stumbles upon the chain by accident to find a group of protesters upset about the desecration of the sacred site. He discovers Wendy in the crowd making out with a woman. Even though she promised not to change while away at college, Wendy has turned dyke. Arby is understandably upset and sings a beautiful song about how Wendy now eats snatch and he is going to get revenge by getting a job at the fast food chain, called American Chicken Bunker. He asks the manager for a job and meets the kitchen crew. The eggs in the restaurant have been possessed and turn green and pulsating and veiny- but they use them anyway- no big deal. When they open the doors for business, Ron Jeremy runs in, yes that's right, Ron Jeremy, and he warns them all that since the restaurant was built on an indian burial ground that it's cursed and they should all get out and save themselves before it's too late. Of course they don't heed his warning. The kitchen crew accidentally mixes one of the green veiny eggs into a man's order and even though it is clearly foul (hehe) the man eats it anyway. He instantly runs to the bathroom screaming and has a ridiculously repulsive attack of explosive diarrhea. After having a fantasy about boffing Wendy and her lesbian lover in front of the counter at the restaurant, Arby discovers the bathroom covered in blood and feces. While cleaning the mess he sings a heart felt song about how much he misses Wendy and her love. The CEO of American Chicken Bunker arrives in a stretch Hummer Limo and has a song and dance off against the protesters in the parking lot. The protesters get served. Inside, one of the mexican laborers, Paco Bell, starts masturbating into the meat grinder in a show of political rebellion. An evil chicken, which hatched from one of the evil eggs, runs up, flips the switch, and pushes Paco into the spinning blades of the grinder. Poor Paco dies a horrible bloody splattery messy disgusting death. While fixing a sloppy Jose sandwich, Arby discovers that not only has Paco been reincarnated in the form of a talking sandwich, he has also come out of the closet. Paco warns Arby that by building the chicken chain on the indian burial ground, the chain has combined the horrible anguish felt both by native americans as well as factory raised poultry. Paco goes on to explain that this combination has unleashed a great evil on the land and if Arby doesn't act soon and save the day all hope will be lost. Just as the talking sandwich version of Paco is about to tell Arbie how to stop the evil, the CEO of the chicken chain eats poor Paco.
Meanwhile, in the basement, another employee- Carl Jr.- is intercoursing with a raw chicken. Just as Carl Jr. is about to climax, the chicken comes to life and tries to eat his quivering member. Poor Carl Jr. runs up to the kitchen screaming and spouting blood and evil green mucus all over the buckets of prepared fried chicken. Coming to his rescue, the kitchen's token muslim woman, Hummus, rams a broom handle up Carl Jr.'s ass to get the chicken to release. Unfortunately she gets carried away in the moment and rams too hard, bursting straight through his body, ejecting not only the chicken but Carl's wee wee and insides as well... The CEO decides that bringing Carl Jr. to the hospital would only give the angry protesters outside more to get upset about, so instead he decides to save the reputation of his chain by offering the hungry protesters free fried chicken. (which he doesn't realize has just been sprayed with evil chicken gore and Carl Jr.'s blood) When the restaurant staff takes the fried chicken out to the protesters they refuse to eat at first, but when Wendy's new lesbian lover (who is the unofficial leader of the protest) takes a bite the rest follow suit.
We next discover that poor Wendy has been duped, her lover is actually a corporate plant for American Chicken Bunker, placed in the crowd to get them to eat the chicken. Wendy catches her having kinky baby sexy time with the chain's CEO and starts to regret what she'd done to poor Arby. They are interrupted by the manager of the restaurant who bursts in saying something terrible is happening in the dining room. The crowd is all violently vomiting all over the place and Wendy accuses the chain of serving tainted food products. She challenges the CEO to eat some of the chicken himself, and reluctantly he agrees. He appears to be unharmed for a moment, but suddenly has to run to the bathroom where he shits out an evil egg into the toilet. The egg hatches into an evil green chicken monster and the CEO is forced to bite the chicken's head off to save himself, spraying evil green chicken blood all over. In the kitchen, Carl Jr. comes back from the dead and turns into a giant evil zombie chicken monster, but the broom handle, which is still lodged in his groin, gets stuck in a hole in the wall and he can't move. Hummus, Arby, Wendy, and the fake lesbian try to run away but once in the dining room they discover that everyone who ate the fried chicken has turned into a chicken zombie and is killing and eating the rest of the restaurants patrons in the most violent gory disgusting scene yet. So gross. Really really awful.
Another employee joins them and reveals a gun cache he's been hiding in the children's toys for happy meals in case he wanted to go on a disgruntled rampage. They kill all the demon chickens in the dining room but when they go to leave they find that even more demon chickens are waiting outside. They find that the Carl Jr. demon zombie chicken monster is still alive and plead with him to tell them the secret of how to stop the evil. Carl Jr.'s soul comes through and tells them, "Alcohol". Arby, who is incredibly dense, thinks that Carl Jr. is asking for booze, not telling him the secret weakness of the native american evil. Eventually they figure it out though, and Wendy sprays the most of the evil monsters with beer while Arby shouts beer slogans. Because the chickens combined evil forces with the native americans, their only weakness is alcohol. Clever huh? Eventually the beer runs out and they get overrun by the chicken dead and have to retreat to the basement where they are followed by one of the biggest chicken monsters, who happens to be the zombie of the restaurant's CEO. Before eating Wendy, Hummus, and Arby, the CEO chicken sings a song about how the white man ruined the lives and culture of the native americans. When the song is over and he is about to eat the trio, he gets a case of indigestion and shits himself to death. From the shit returns the talking sandwich embodiment of Paco Bell. Since he was eaten by the CEO earlier he was able to fight him from the inside out, and he makes a hilarious joke about the chicken's stomach not being about to handle mexican.
Hummus decides to sacrifice herself for the good of America by suicide bombing the restaurant and killing the remaining chicken dead. Wendy and Arby escape just in time to watch the restaurant explode. They hop in a car and drive off unharmed but they get into a sudden car accident and die anyway.
The End.
Okay so we open on two horny teens, Arby and Wendy (The movie's about a fast food chain so... witty huh?) dry humping in an ancient indian burial ground. Wendy's about to go off to college and leave poor Arby to take care of his retarded family, but Wendy promises that she wont change while away at school. Things start to get hot and heavy and Arby and Wendy begin to have the copulation time. Of course, they're in an indian burial ground, so, some dead people's arms pop out of the ground and start feeling up all over them. They're so into each other that they don't even seem to notice. Then a man holding an axe pops out from behind one of the gravestones and scares the two kids half to death. He is masturbating so they decide to leave, but they forget to retrieve their underwear. The creepy guy picks up the forgotten garments and starts smelling them and masturbating. Suddenly- an arm shoots out of the ground and into the mans... ummm... booty. The arm rips through his whole body, comes out his mouth, grabs the underpants, and then goes back into the ground, leaving the creepy guy to die.
One year passes and a fast food chicken chain has been built on the grounds of the graveyard. Arby stumbles upon the chain by accident to find a group of protesters upset about the desecration of the sacred site. He discovers Wendy in the crowd making out with a woman. Even though she promised not to change while away at college, Wendy has turned dyke. Arby is understandably upset and sings a beautiful song about how Wendy now eats snatch and he is going to get revenge by getting a job at the fast food chain, called American Chicken Bunker. He asks the manager for a job and meets the kitchen crew. The eggs in the restaurant have been possessed and turn green and pulsating and veiny- but they use them anyway- no big deal. When they open the doors for business, Ron Jeremy runs in, yes that's right, Ron Jeremy, and he warns them all that since the restaurant was built on an indian burial ground that it's cursed and they should all get out and save themselves before it's too late. Of course they don't heed his warning. The kitchen crew accidentally mixes one of the green veiny eggs into a man's order and even though it is clearly foul (hehe) the man eats it anyway. He instantly runs to the bathroom screaming and has a ridiculously repulsive attack of explosive diarrhea. After having a fantasy about boffing Wendy and her lesbian lover in front of the counter at the restaurant, Arby discovers the bathroom covered in blood and feces. While cleaning the mess he sings a heart felt song about how much he misses Wendy and her love. The CEO of American Chicken Bunker arrives in a stretch Hummer Limo and has a song and dance off against the protesters in the parking lot. The protesters get served. Inside, one of the mexican laborers, Paco Bell, starts masturbating into the meat grinder in a show of political rebellion. An evil chicken, which hatched from one of the evil eggs, runs up, flips the switch, and pushes Paco into the spinning blades of the grinder. Poor Paco dies a horrible bloody splattery messy disgusting death. While fixing a sloppy Jose sandwich, Arby discovers that not only has Paco been reincarnated in the form of a talking sandwich, he has also come out of the closet. Paco warns Arby that by building the chicken chain on the indian burial ground, the chain has combined the horrible anguish felt both by native americans as well as factory raised poultry. Paco goes on to explain that this combination has unleashed a great evil on the land and if Arby doesn't act soon and save the day all hope will be lost. Just as the talking sandwich version of Paco is about to tell Arbie how to stop the evil, the CEO of the chicken chain eats poor Paco.
Meanwhile, in the basement, another employee- Carl Jr.- is intercoursing with a raw chicken. Just as Carl Jr. is about to climax, the chicken comes to life and tries to eat his quivering member. Poor Carl Jr. runs up to the kitchen screaming and spouting blood and evil green mucus all over the buckets of prepared fried chicken. Coming to his rescue, the kitchen's token muslim woman, Hummus, rams a broom handle up Carl Jr.'s ass to get the chicken to release. Unfortunately she gets carried away in the moment and rams too hard, bursting straight through his body, ejecting not only the chicken but Carl's wee wee and insides as well... The CEO decides that bringing Carl Jr. to the hospital would only give the angry protesters outside more to get upset about, so instead he decides to save the reputation of his chain by offering the hungry protesters free fried chicken. (which he doesn't realize has just been sprayed with evil chicken gore and Carl Jr.'s blood) When the restaurant staff takes the fried chicken out to the protesters they refuse to eat at first, but when Wendy's new lesbian lover (who is the unofficial leader of the protest) takes a bite the rest follow suit.
We next discover that poor Wendy has been duped, her lover is actually a corporate plant for American Chicken Bunker, placed in the crowd to get them to eat the chicken. Wendy catches her having kinky baby sexy time with the chain's CEO and starts to regret what she'd done to poor Arby. They are interrupted by the manager of the restaurant who bursts in saying something terrible is happening in the dining room. The crowd is all violently vomiting all over the place and Wendy accuses the chain of serving tainted food products. She challenges the CEO to eat some of the chicken himself, and reluctantly he agrees. He appears to be unharmed for a moment, but suddenly has to run to the bathroom where he shits out an evil egg into the toilet. The egg hatches into an evil green chicken monster and the CEO is forced to bite the chicken's head off to save himself, spraying evil green chicken blood all over. In the kitchen, Carl Jr. comes back from the dead and turns into a giant evil zombie chicken monster, but the broom handle, which is still lodged in his groin, gets stuck in a hole in the wall and he can't move. Hummus, Arby, Wendy, and the fake lesbian try to run away but once in the dining room they discover that everyone who ate the fried chicken has turned into a chicken zombie and is killing and eating the rest of the restaurants patrons in the most violent gory disgusting scene yet. So gross. Really really awful.
Another employee joins them and reveals a gun cache he's been hiding in the children's toys for happy meals in case he wanted to go on a disgruntled rampage. They kill all the demon chickens in the dining room but when they go to leave they find that even more demon chickens are waiting outside. They find that the Carl Jr. demon zombie chicken monster is still alive and plead with him to tell them the secret of how to stop the evil. Carl Jr.'s soul comes through and tells them, "Alcohol". Arby, who is incredibly dense, thinks that Carl Jr. is asking for booze, not telling him the secret weakness of the native american evil. Eventually they figure it out though, and Wendy sprays the most of the evil monsters with beer while Arby shouts beer slogans. Because the chickens combined evil forces with the native americans, their only weakness is alcohol. Clever huh? Eventually the beer runs out and they get overrun by the chicken dead and have to retreat to the basement where they are followed by one of the biggest chicken monsters, who happens to be the zombie of the restaurant's CEO. Before eating Wendy, Hummus, and Arby, the CEO chicken sings a song about how the white man ruined the lives and culture of the native americans. When the song is over and he is about to eat the trio, he gets a case of indigestion and shits himself to death. From the shit returns the talking sandwich embodiment of Paco Bell. Since he was eaten by the CEO earlier he was able to fight him from the inside out, and he makes a hilarious joke about the chicken's stomach not being about to handle mexican.
Hummus decides to sacrifice herself for the good of America by suicide bombing the restaurant and killing the remaining chicken dead. Wendy and Arby escape just in time to watch the restaurant explode. They hop in a car and drive off unharmed but they get into a sudden car accident and die anyway.
The End.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"A Boy and his Dog"
Okay it's been a few weeks and I decided it was time for another inane synopsis/summary
Today I watched A Boy and His Dog.
We open on a barren desert landscape in the year 2024. It is supposed to by 16 years after WW IV, which was supposed to have destroyed (most of) the world with nuclear bombs. The main characters are Vic and Blood. Blood is Vic's dog who happens to be able to communicate with Vic telepathically. They live in a world where there is very little food and very few women and tribes of scavengers roam the desert in search of underground caches of canned goods. These scavengers also have dogs of their own and everyone uses their dogs to pick up the scents of females so they can get laid. Vic and Blood go to an outdoor pornographic theater at night and Blood picks up on the scent of a woman. After tracking her down they go down into what used to be a hospital to find her. For some reason (that's never explained) the desert they live in exists above the remains of a city. While down there they are ambushed by some other scavengers who apparently also used their dogs to pick up the woman's scent. Vic starts to scream to scare off the scavengers because there are apparently radioactive zombies called Screamers who can kill you just by touching you. After the other scavengers run away Vic, Blood and the woman, who's name we find out is Quilla June, go inside an old boiler to hide from real Screamers. We never once see a Screamer or hear anything more about them.
After Vic makes sweet sweet love with Quilla June several times, she tries to convince him to come to live in a civilization that exists entirely underground (where she comes from). Blood tries to convince him not to but he goes anyway.
Once underground we find an entire civilization with many healthy inhabitants all wearing new clothes, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, playing in marching bands, and living a very wholesome, yet creepy, life of 50s idealism. There are just two problems (at first glance- with more to come), all the people are wearing clown makeup (the reason for which is never explained) AND even though their civilization is entirely underground and the only light that exists is spotty and artificial (basically casting the same type of light as street lights at night) their world has full sized trees, grassy lawns, and plenty of fresh produce...
As it turns out their underground lifestyle has left their men infertile so Quilla June was sent up to trick Vic into coming down so they could force him to get their women pregnant. The idea of being able to make sweet sweet copulation with so many willing women thrills Vic, and he accepts. Next we see poor Vic bound and gagged, tied to an operating table, with a device that seems to be pumping the boy butter right out of him. Poor Poor Vic. In the same room one of the leaders of the village, called "the committee", is performing weddings and giving each blushing bride a vile of Vic's freshly churned man plasma. Quilla June was promised she would be put on the committee for getting Vic, and when this promise is not fulfilled she decides to kidnap Vic. Dressed as a bride herself she rushes in and knocks out the committee member with a crowbar hidden in her bouquet and then rushes out of the building with Vic assisted by two of her friends. Instead of trying to escape, the trio decide that with Vic's virile manhood on their side that they can be the new rulers of the society. Wrong. The committee holds an emergency meeting and sentence them all to death. They send the town strong man to strangle the hooligans and he succeeds on Quilla June's two friends. When Vic tries to use a gun on the strong man he realizes that he's actually a robot. Quilla June and Vic run to escape back above but when they get out they find that Blood has been in a scuffle and is badly injured. Quilla June tries to plead with Vic that Blood is too beat up to go on and they should run away without him. VIc insists that Blood needs food and he'll be okay, but where to get it?
So- of course- Vic kills, cooks, and eats Quilla June. Blood and Vic walk away happy and healthy into the sunrise.
The end.
Today I watched A Boy and His Dog.
We open on a barren desert landscape in the year 2024. It is supposed to by 16 years after WW IV, which was supposed to have destroyed (most of) the world with nuclear bombs. The main characters are Vic and Blood. Blood is Vic's dog who happens to be able to communicate with Vic telepathically. They live in a world where there is very little food and very few women and tribes of scavengers roam the desert in search of underground caches of canned goods. These scavengers also have dogs of their own and everyone uses their dogs to pick up the scents of females so they can get laid. Vic and Blood go to an outdoor pornographic theater at night and Blood picks up on the scent of a woman. After tracking her down they go down into what used to be a hospital to find her. For some reason (that's never explained) the desert they live in exists above the remains of a city. While down there they are ambushed by some other scavengers who apparently also used their dogs to pick up the woman's scent. Vic starts to scream to scare off the scavengers because there are apparently radioactive zombies called Screamers who can kill you just by touching you. After the other scavengers run away Vic, Blood and the woman, who's name we find out is Quilla June, go inside an old boiler to hide from real Screamers. We never once see a Screamer or hear anything more about them.
After Vic makes sweet sweet love with Quilla June several times, she tries to convince him to come to live in a civilization that exists entirely underground (where she comes from). Blood tries to convince him not to but he goes anyway.
Once underground we find an entire civilization with many healthy inhabitants all wearing new clothes, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, playing in marching bands, and living a very wholesome, yet creepy, life of 50s idealism. There are just two problems (at first glance- with more to come), all the people are wearing clown makeup (the reason for which is never explained) AND even though their civilization is entirely underground and the only light that exists is spotty and artificial (basically casting the same type of light as street lights at night) their world has full sized trees, grassy lawns, and plenty of fresh produce...
As it turns out their underground lifestyle has left their men infertile so Quilla June was sent up to trick Vic into coming down so they could force him to get their women pregnant. The idea of being able to make sweet sweet copulation with so many willing women thrills Vic, and he accepts. Next we see poor Vic bound and gagged, tied to an operating table, with a device that seems to be pumping the boy butter right out of him. Poor Poor Vic. In the same room one of the leaders of the village, called "the committee", is performing weddings and giving each blushing bride a vile of Vic's freshly churned man plasma. Quilla June was promised she would be put on the committee for getting Vic, and when this promise is not fulfilled she decides to kidnap Vic. Dressed as a bride herself she rushes in and knocks out the committee member with a crowbar hidden in her bouquet and then rushes out of the building with Vic assisted by two of her friends. Instead of trying to escape, the trio decide that with Vic's virile manhood on their side that they can be the new rulers of the society. Wrong. The committee holds an emergency meeting and sentence them all to death. They send the town strong man to strangle the hooligans and he succeeds on Quilla June's two friends. When Vic tries to use a gun on the strong man he realizes that he's actually a robot. Quilla June and Vic run to escape back above but when they get out they find that Blood has been in a scuffle and is badly injured. Quilla June tries to plead with Vic that Blood is too beat up to go on and they should run away without him. VIc insists that Blood needs food and he'll be okay, but where to get it?
So- of course- Vic kills, cooks, and eats Quilla June. Blood and Vic walk away happy and healthy into the sunrise.
The end.
"Monsturd"
Okay. Here we go again. I am beginning to wonder if it's really worth my while to humor you people when doing so means that I have to waste so many hours of my life watching these ridiculous films. Today I watched a wonderful little flick titled, "Monsturd". Again, as in the past, I implore you- do NOT watch this movie. It's bad. That's why Im writing about it. If it were good I would just tell you to watch it instead of saving you the time and just telling you the plot. I had a little quarrel with a dear friend of mine today because after reading the synopsis for a film I recently wrote about, she decided to watch it. It was beyond terrible and she blamed me for making it sound interesting in the synopsis. I have told you before and I'll tell you again- if I make these films sound interesting it's because I enjoy writing entertaining summaries of what happens in them- not because the movies themselves are worth watching. I WILL NOT be held responsible for you wasting your time if you choose to watch one of these movies.
So- apparently the movie I watched today is supposed to be a twisted scary bedtime story thought up by a young girl trying to frighten her father. A crazy idiotic moron escapes from prison and the guard finds out about it because the ridiculous scarecrow the inmate left in his place won't wake up. Apparently a chemical company called Dutech has been doing experiments on this inmate so they're really upset about the whole thing. A woman at Dutech labs has an accident in one of the sealed testing facilities, and gets doodie all over her face. After the doodie gets on her face she dies and the mad scientist behind the experiment decides to dissolve her body in a big bucket of dry ice and water with green food coloring. Then he drags the whole bucket on the back of a truck and dumps it down the city sewer drain. The police go looking for the escaped inmate in the sewers but when he tries to escape he falls into a pool of ooze and he gets doodie all over his face too. Then he melts and all thats left is his skull. Next another policeman goes into the sewer for... a reason? - and he stumbles upon a huge- like real real big- steaming pile of... doodie- which has arms and grabs and eats him. Yes- the policeman is eaten by a gigantic steaming pile of shit. Next, for some reason or another, a different policeman beats the shit out of a puppet wearing a tie dye shirt. From here the giant doodie monster starts growing and feeding on more and more people, dudes with really dirty toilets, homeless people, etc. When the FBI gets involved they discover a mutant form of bacteria has been released into the sewers and go looking to the mad scientist that works at Dutech for answers. He plays dumb (and rather snippy) and then assembles a clean up crew to go dispose of any bacteria that may be down in the sewers. His crew is almost all eaten by the shit monster but the doctor makes it out alive. When the monster leaves a living witness, a small girl who informs police, "the biggest doodoo in the world came and took my daddy", the FBI surmises that the mutant bacteria has joined its DNA with that of the escaped serial killer who died in the sewers. When the FBI begs the local police force to keep the townsfolk away from their toilets, the sheriff says that he can't do that because the town's annual chili cook off is coming up and it brings in too many tourist dollars to call it off. The mad scientist decides to go back down into the sewer to try to study the shit man, luring him with corn and peanuts. When the shit man comes and tries to eat the scientist, the scientist tells him that he created him in a lab. This really upsets the monster, who complains, "I smell like shit, I look like shit, I feel like shit." When the scientist promises the monster that the chili cook off will be an all you can eat butt-fet (my words, not theirs- after sitting through all the butt and poop jokes in this movie I couldn't help myself)- the monster lets him live. Back in town the FBI is trying to find a way to kill the bacteria and, after many experiments, they find that diarrhea medicine does the trick. The sheriff and his force run out to buy every single bottle of anti diarrhea medicine, every roll of toilet paper and every diaper in the town. They also commission another scientist to breed 1 million flies for them to help with their master plan. With the chili cook off in full swing, the local police and the FBI combine their forces, to a total of 5 people, descend into the sewers to put their plan into action. They cover themselves in diapers as body armor, fill giant water guns with Pepto Bismal and go down to chase the poopoo monster out into the open, where another policeman will be waiting with the flies, who are supposed to eat the monster to death. The mad scientist goes down to the sewer to save the monsturd, luring him with fart noises. The poop man gets pissed though and kills the scientist, and then goes after the police. Their plan is successful though, they lure him out into the open and start spraying him with Pepto, which stuns him enough that he cant run away. The fly scientist shows up just in time, releases the million flies, who do in fact fly right at the smell of the monster and start eating him. He dies and the police walk away triumphant. Then we return to the bedroom of the little girl who thought the whole story up. When he father asks, "Yeah, then what happened?", she replies, "Then Hollywood bought the story rights and turned it into a movie that cost one hundred million dollars!"
The end.
I just want to clear up something- that little bitch was lying- this movie did not cost anywhere near $100 million to make.
So- apparently the movie I watched today is supposed to be a twisted scary bedtime story thought up by a young girl trying to frighten her father. A crazy idiotic moron escapes from prison and the guard finds out about it because the ridiculous scarecrow the inmate left in his place won't wake up. Apparently a chemical company called Dutech has been doing experiments on this inmate so they're really upset about the whole thing. A woman at Dutech labs has an accident in one of the sealed testing facilities, and gets doodie all over her face. After the doodie gets on her face she dies and the mad scientist behind the experiment decides to dissolve her body in a big bucket of dry ice and water with green food coloring. Then he drags the whole bucket on the back of a truck and dumps it down the city sewer drain. The police go looking for the escaped inmate in the sewers but when he tries to escape he falls into a pool of ooze and he gets doodie all over his face too. Then he melts and all thats left is his skull. Next another policeman goes into the sewer for... a reason? - and he stumbles upon a huge- like real real big- steaming pile of... doodie- which has arms and grabs and eats him. Yes- the policeman is eaten by a gigantic steaming pile of shit. Next, for some reason or another, a different policeman beats the shit out of a puppet wearing a tie dye shirt. From here the giant doodie monster starts growing and feeding on more and more people, dudes with really dirty toilets, homeless people, etc. When the FBI gets involved they discover a mutant form of bacteria has been released into the sewers and go looking to the mad scientist that works at Dutech for answers. He plays dumb (and rather snippy) and then assembles a clean up crew to go dispose of any bacteria that may be down in the sewers. His crew is almost all eaten by the shit monster but the doctor makes it out alive. When the monster leaves a living witness, a small girl who informs police, "the biggest doodoo in the world came and took my daddy", the FBI surmises that the mutant bacteria has joined its DNA with that of the escaped serial killer who died in the sewers. When the FBI begs the local police force to keep the townsfolk away from their toilets, the sheriff says that he can't do that because the town's annual chili cook off is coming up and it brings in too many tourist dollars to call it off. The mad scientist decides to go back down into the sewer to try to study the shit man, luring him with corn and peanuts. When the shit man comes and tries to eat the scientist, the scientist tells him that he created him in a lab. This really upsets the monster, who complains, "I smell like shit, I look like shit, I feel like shit." When the scientist promises the monster that the chili cook off will be an all you can eat butt-fet (my words, not theirs- after sitting through all the butt and poop jokes in this movie I couldn't help myself)- the monster lets him live. Back in town the FBI is trying to find a way to kill the bacteria and, after many experiments, they find that diarrhea medicine does the trick. The sheriff and his force run out to buy every single bottle of anti diarrhea medicine, every roll of toilet paper and every diaper in the town. They also commission another scientist to breed 1 million flies for them to help with their master plan. With the chili cook off in full swing, the local police and the FBI combine their forces, to a total of 5 people, descend into the sewers to put their plan into action. They cover themselves in diapers as body armor, fill giant water guns with Pepto Bismal and go down to chase the poopoo monster out into the open, where another policeman will be waiting with the flies, who are supposed to eat the monster to death. The mad scientist goes down to the sewer to save the monsturd, luring him with fart noises. The poop man gets pissed though and kills the scientist, and then goes after the police. Their plan is successful though, they lure him out into the open and start spraying him with Pepto, which stuns him enough that he cant run away. The fly scientist shows up just in time, releases the million flies, who do in fact fly right at the smell of the monster and start eating him. He dies and the police walk away triumphant. Then we return to the bedroom of the little girl who thought the whole story up. When he father asks, "Yeah, then what happened?", she replies, "Then Hollywood bought the story rights and turned it into a movie that cost one hundred million dollars!"
The end.
I just want to clear up something- that little bitch was lying- this movie did not cost anywhere near $100 million to make.
"Zombies Anonymous"
Zombies Anonymous is a heartbreaking tale of guilt, betrayal, social inequality, and prejudice. It's a classic story- boy loves girl, girl leaves boy, boy shoots girl in the face, girl comes back from the dead to face terrible discrimination and social injustice. We've heard the story a million times but each time it tears us up inside. This movie is poignant. This movie is timeless. This movie is... terrible. God awful really. I implore you never to watch Zombies Anonymous. I enjoy writing about funny, cheesy, poorly made horror films that make you laugh. I thought a film titled "Zombies Anonymous" would be just that, but instead it takes itself way too seriously and tries to address real world social issues using the medium of zombie filmmaking. It is incredibly boring and painful to watch. If my synopsis makes it seem like it could be funny, it is simply a case of a good synopsis- not a good movie.
We open on a series of news reports informing us that for some reason the recently deceased are coming back to "life" moments after their death. We then witness a scene of a violent and heated domestic dispute. Our heroine, Angela, is in the bathroom with the door locked, crying in the bathtub. Outside the bathroom door is a man, Josh, who she has just broken off a relationship with. He is incredibly upset and pounding and screaming and holding a gun. He breaks the door down and shoots Angela in the face. After realizing what he's done Josh flees the scene. Months later we find her trying to cope with her new life as a zombie. She has joined a group called "zombies anonymous" where zombies can go to talk about the injustices they meet in their everyday lives. Society hates them. The government is trying to do away with them. They insist they're just like everyone else except that they can only eat raw meat and their hearts don't beat. At Zombies Anonymous they refer to themselves as "the mortally challenged". They eat donuts and drink coffee, even though doing so makes them vomit, because the creator of the group insists thats what normal people do at other support groups. So- rather than eating raw meat at their meetings, they eat donuts, and then vomit into personalized garbage pails. They have apparently put quite a bit of effort into personalizing their vomit pails, adding their names, and decorating with stickers and glitter. One of the members of the group, Louis, insists that there's no point in trying to act like everyone else. He insists that they give up on donuts and coffee and accept who they are. The rest of the group disagrees and kicks Louis out.
Next we find out that Josh has joined a rag tag team of zombie hunters who love to kidnap zombies and beat their heads in until their brains no longer function. They meet with an man named "the goose" who then puts them in touch with a woman called "the commandant". The commandant has founded an underground grassroots zombie killing squad and they want in. Their silly violence is nothing compared to what the commandant's group does.
After a meeting of Zombies Anonymous Angela bumps into Louis, who has recently joined a wonderful liberating group of zombies who have decided to accept what being a zombie is really all about: eatin' some humans. They bring Angela to their house to try to convince her she should join them, but Josh follows them and reports them to the commandant. Inside the group has kidnapped a woman and tries to get Angela to kill her so they can all eat her together. Apparently eating human flesh makes a zombie feel stronger and look sexier. Angela doesn't want to kill anyone though and leaves the room, when Josh and his new group burst in and kill the zombies, though some escape. Josh finds Angela in the other room and spares her. Angela goes back to another meeting of Zombies Anonymous thinking she doesn't want anything to do with the group that Louis brought her to. Josh however has followed her to Zombies Anonymous also and his group ambush them and take them out to torture them and destroy their brains, Angela included. Louis's group follows Josh's group and plan a little ambush of their own. Louis's group ends up killing most of the commandant's group, including Josh, turning them into zombies. The commandant happens to live and finds Josh and forces him to take her to Louis's group-who have taken Angela to their hideout.
Here's where things start to get a little crazy. Yes. Here. Things start to get crazy right here. So... The group Louis has joined have found a way to puree human flesh and inject it straight into the brain (of a zombie that is) as a drug. If, however, the zombie takes too much of the human puree they can OD. They don't really explain what that entails. They tie Angela up and start pumping her full of people puree. Meanwhile the commandant shoots herself in the head so that she can infiltrate the group and exact her revenge, assisted by Josh. The group find the recently deceased commandant and bring her to their hideout, with Josh following unnoticed. Once inside the commandant starts trying to destroy all the other zombies, Josh tries to break in and help, and Angela breaks free and gets into a brawl with the leader of the group who's name is the Good Mother Solstice, or was it Soleil Moon Frye? The movie explodes into a mess of blood and gore and violence and gunshots at this point. Angela finds a vile of people puree and jams it into Mother Moon Goddesses brain- the entire thing- and she OD's- which, we find out, means that her head explodes. Literally. Kablooey! Then almost everyone is dead except for the commandant, Josh and Angela. Angela goes to leave the house and runs into Josh who starts to blame her for everything that has happened through the course of the film. She calls him a lunatic and says that it's all his fault and if he doesn't get out of her way she's gonna cut his balls off. He tries to stop her, so... she cuts his balls off. He lies on the floor screaming and she leaves. The commandant finds Josh and kills him and then kills herself. Angela limps down the street covered in blood and full of bullet holes.
The end.
We open on a series of news reports informing us that for some reason the recently deceased are coming back to "life" moments after their death. We then witness a scene of a violent and heated domestic dispute. Our heroine, Angela, is in the bathroom with the door locked, crying in the bathtub. Outside the bathroom door is a man, Josh, who she has just broken off a relationship with. He is incredibly upset and pounding and screaming and holding a gun. He breaks the door down and shoots Angela in the face. After realizing what he's done Josh flees the scene. Months later we find her trying to cope with her new life as a zombie. She has joined a group called "zombies anonymous" where zombies can go to talk about the injustices they meet in their everyday lives. Society hates them. The government is trying to do away with them. They insist they're just like everyone else except that they can only eat raw meat and their hearts don't beat. At Zombies Anonymous they refer to themselves as "the mortally challenged". They eat donuts and drink coffee, even though doing so makes them vomit, because the creator of the group insists thats what normal people do at other support groups. So- rather than eating raw meat at their meetings, they eat donuts, and then vomit into personalized garbage pails. They have apparently put quite a bit of effort into personalizing their vomit pails, adding their names, and decorating with stickers and glitter. One of the members of the group, Louis, insists that there's no point in trying to act like everyone else. He insists that they give up on donuts and coffee and accept who they are. The rest of the group disagrees and kicks Louis out.
Next we find out that Josh has joined a rag tag team of zombie hunters who love to kidnap zombies and beat their heads in until their brains no longer function. They meet with an man named "the goose" who then puts them in touch with a woman called "the commandant". The commandant has founded an underground grassroots zombie killing squad and they want in. Their silly violence is nothing compared to what the commandant's group does.
After a meeting of Zombies Anonymous Angela bumps into Louis, who has recently joined a wonderful liberating group of zombies who have decided to accept what being a zombie is really all about: eatin' some humans. They bring Angela to their house to try to convince her she should join them, but Josh follows them and reports them to the commandant. Inside the group has kidnapped a woman and tries to get Angela to kill her so they can all eat her together. Apparently eating human flesh makes a zombie feel stronger and look sexier. Angela doesn't want to kill anyone though and leaves the room, when Josh and his new group burst in and kill the zombies, though some escape. Josh finds Angela in the other room and spares her. Angela goes back to another meeting of Zombies Anonymous thinking she doesn't want anything to do with the group that Louis brought her to. Josh however has followed her to Zombies Anonymous also and his group ambush them and take them out to torture them and destroy their brains, Angela included. Louis's group follows Josh's group and plan a little ambush of their own. Louis's group ends up killing most of the commandant's group, including Josh, turning them into zombies. The commandant happens to live and finds Josh and forces him to take her to Louis's group-who have taken Angela to their hideout.
Here's where things start to get a little crazy. Yes. Here. Things start to get crazy right here. So... The group Louis has joined have found a way to puree human flesh and inject it straight into the brain (of a zombie that is) as a drug. If, however, the zombie takes too much of the human puree they can OD. They don't really explain what that entails. They tie Angela up and start pumping her full of people puree. Meanwhile the commandant shoots herself in the head so that she can infiltrate the group and exact her revenge, assisted by Josh. The group find the recently deceased commandant and bring her to their hideout, with Josh following unnoticed. Once inside the commandant starts trying to destroy all the other zombies, Josh tries to break in and help, and Angela breaks free and gets into a brawl with the leader of the group who's name is the Good Mother Solstice, or was it Soleil Moon Frye? The movie explodes into a mess of blood and gore and violence and gunshots at this point. Angela finds a vile of people puree and jams it into Mother Moon Goddesses brain- the entire thing- and she OD's- which, we find out, means that her head explodes. Literally. Kablooey! Then almost everyone is dead except for the commandant, Josh and Angela. Angela goes to leave the house and runs into Josh who starts to blame her for everything that has happened through the course of the film. She calls him a lunatic and says that it's all his fault and if he doesn't get out of her way she's gonna cut his balls off. He tries to stop her, so... she cuts his balls off. He lies on the floor screaming and she leaves. The commandant finds Josh and kills him and then kills herself. Angela limps down the street covered in blood and full of bullet holes.
The end.
"Thankskilling"
Okay so I've decided it could be fun to write a couple of these little scene by scenes of the worst/best horror movies ever available for instant watch on netflix. As I said in the last synopsis I am banking on the assumption that none of you will ever actually watch these films so I'm giving away the plot in its entirety. If you think you may want to watch a film I write about, please don't read the synopsis.
Okay so It's 1621. The olden days- Their words not mine- moments after the first thanksgiving. So open scene on a rather large pair of tits. Pan out to a pilgrim woman (wearing an awful lot of make up) who for seemingly no reason at all has her tits out. She looks terrified and begins to run through the woods, of course with her titties flippin and floppin all over the damn place. She is confronted by a rather unattractive talking turkey who says, "Nice tits bitch.", and kills her with a golden hatchet. Next we open on 5 college coeds that are so excited about Thanksgiving break that they decide to take their tops off and one of them has to correct the situation by saying, "It's thanksgiving, not titsgiving." So of the five there's a jock, a slut, a nerd, a redneck, and a good girl. Cut to a dog taking a piss in the woods, which apparently brings the evil turkey back to life. The 5 college students all pile in a jeep and head for their homes but the jeep breaks down and since they have tents and beer (for some reason) they decide to camp right there. One of them discovers an old sign reading "Crawberg" and remembers the story of an indian who was wronged by a pilgrim and curses all white men with an evil murderous turkey that will come back and kill any white men it can every 505 years. Apparently this is true- Turkeyologists have confirmed the story. Although the college students are terrified by the story they decide to stay and get drunk anyway. One of them goes into the woods to make a phone call and bumps into the evil turkey. He does not kill her, but he does establish that he has a potty mouth. She runs back to the camp and tells her friends what happened but they don't believe her and they all go to sleep. Then next morning they all wake up unharmed, fix the car and head to their homes. A man sees the turkey on the side of the road and pulls over to offer him a ride in exchange for "ass, grass, or cash". The turkey lies and says he'll give the man some ass, but the when the man starts to unzip his pants the turkey shoots him. Then the turkey steals the car to find the homes of all the students. First he finds the jock kid and kills his parents. The jock gets away and rounds up all the other kids except for the slut who he can't get ahold of. Meanwhile she's having sex with a random guy and the turkey finds her. The turkey sneaks in and kills the random guy and slips in to his place before she notices- using an extra small gravy flavored condom- again their words not mine. Once he gets off he kills her too and then moves on to find the rest. They all go to look for a book on killer turkeys (by the turkeyologists) at the good girl's dad's house. The turkey had already made it back to her dad's house and killer her dad, but no one notices when they get there because the turkey has made a mask out of her dad's face. When they find the book they learn that they need to remove the turkey's magic necklace, say an evil prayer, and burn the turkey at the stake. The redneck student gets hungry and bored and leaves to go look for something to eat. The turkey disguises himself as a delicious cartoon cooked turkey dinner and the redneck eats whole in one bite. The turkey then shoots the redneck with a shotgun from inside his stomach and pops his head out to exclaim, "Gobble Gobble, motherfucker!" When the three remaining students discover the rednecks dead body there is a montage accompanied by a beautiful song about friendship. Then the students go find the turkey's teepee where the turkey is making a salad. They tie the turkey up with a tiny bit of string and recite the prayer to make it so he's no longer invincible. They try to burn him but he tries to escape and ends up being shot in the head by the redneck who's dog peed on him and brought him back to life. He goes flying and lands in a dumpster. They all rejoice in his death and don't happen to notice that the dumpster is full of radioactive waste. They go to watch a movie and he comes back to life as a green glowing headless turkey. He kills two more of the students before finally being burned to death in a conveniently prebuilt bonfire. The end.
Okay so It's 1621. The olden days- Their words not mine- moments after the first thanksgiving. So open scene on a rather large pair of tits. Pan out to a pilgrim woman (wearing an awful lot of make up) who for seemingly no reason at all has her tits out. She looks terrified and begins to run through the woods, of course with her titties flippin and floppin all over the damn place. She is confronted by a rather unattractive talking turkey who says, "Nice tits bitch.", and kills her with a golden hatchet. Next we open on 5 college coeds that are so excited about Thanksgiving break that they decide to take their tops off and one of them has to correct the situation by saying, "It's thanksgiving, not titsgiving." So of the five there's a jock, a slut, a nerd, a redneck, and a good girl. Cut to a dog taking a piss in the woods, which apparently brings the evil turkey back to life. The 5 college students all pile in a jeep and head for their homes but the jeep breaks down and since they have tents and beer (for some reason) they decide to camp right there. One of them discovers an old sign reading "Crawberg" and remembers the story of an indian who was wronged by a pilgrim and curses all white men with an evil murderous turkey that will come back and kill any white men it can every 505 years. Apparently this is true- Turkeyologists have confirmed the story. Although the college students are terrified by the story they decide to stay and get drunk anyway. One of them goes into the woods to make a phone call and bumps into the evil turkey. He does not kill her, but he does establish that he has a potty mouth. She runs back to the camp and tells her friends what happened but they don't believe her and they all go to sleep. Then next morning they all wake up unharmed, fix the car and head to their homes. A man sees the turkey on the side of the road and pulls over to offer him a ride in exchange for "ass, grass, or cash". The turkey lies and says he'll give the man some ass, but the when the man starts to unzip his pants the turkey shoots him. Then the turkey steals the car to find the homes of all the students. First he finds the jock kid and kills his parents. The jock gets away and rounds up all the other kids except for the slut who he can't get ahold of. Meanwhile she's having sex with a random guy and the turkey finds her. The turkey sneaks in and kills the random guy and slips in to his place before she notices- using an extra small gravy flavored condom- again their words not mine. Once he gets off he kills her too and then moves on to find the rest. They all go to look for a book on killer turkeys (by the turkeyologists) at the good girl's dad's house. The turkey had already made it back to her dad's house and killer her dad, but no one notices when they get there because the turkey has made a mask out of her dad's face. When they find the book they learn that they need to remove the turkey's magic necklace, say an evil prayer, and burn the turkey at the stake. The redneck student gets hungry and bored and leaves to go look for something to eat. The turkey disguises himself as a delicious cartoon cooked turkey dinner and the redneck eats whole in one bite. The turkey then shoots the redneck with a shotgun from inside his stomach and pops his head out to exclaim, "Gobble Gobble, motherfucker!" When the three remaining students discover the rednecks dead body there is a montage accompanied by a beautiful song about friendship. Then the students go find the turkey's teepee where the turkey is making a salad. They tie the turkey up with a tiny bit of string and recite the prayer to make it so he's no longer invincible. They try to burn him but he tries to escape and ends up being shot in the head by the redneck who's dog peed on him and brought him back to life. He goes flying and lands in a dumpster. They all rejoice in his death and don't happen to notice that the dumpster is full of radioactive waste. They go to watch a movie and he comes back to life as a green glowing headless turkey. He kills two more of the students before finally being burned to death in a conveniently prebuilt bonfire. The end.
"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"
Okay- So I just watched the wonderful film- Jesus Christ Okay- So I just watched the wonderful film- Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and I thought I'd tell you all about how it all goes down. I'm assuming none of you will actually be stupid enough to watch the movie the way I did.We're in Ottawa, Canada, where there is currently a lesbian shortage because vampires are killing them all. Apparently if the chubby track suit wearing mad scientist that's creating all the vampires can kill lesbians and use their skin then the vampires can walk around in daylight. Of course. So- Jesus comes to save the day and after getting a hair cut and having his ears pierced, he breaks into a fully choreographed song and dance number. Then there is a scene where 30 or so Atheists pile out of a Jeep Wrangler as if they were circus clowns pouring out of a VW bug to fight jesus in an action packed scene that conjures images of West Side Story and the Three Stooges. After some priests set Jesus up with a sweet apartment a woman in a metallic pleather jumpsuit takes him to shop for vintage clothes. Then we learn that If a vampire ever asks you "do you want to play a game? Close your eyes.", don't do it because they will punch you in the face. After a long fight scene between Jesus (who is apparently a short, skinny, easily injured Jew) and two vampires, Jesus is left to lie bloody in the street where no one is willing to help (not even clergy or police!) except a really unconvincing drag queen in a bad wig holding a puppy. After the drag queen slips into a neglige she nurses jesus back to health and sings him a little song. Then god speaks to Jesus through a bowl of cherries and whipped cream and gives him some advice. Jesus enlists the help of an overweight retired professional wrestler named Santos wearing a silver gimp mask. They decide to stop at a night club to see a jazz act but soon discover the club is full of vampires. Then they must kill all the vampires using any wooden item the can find as stakes. Interestingly enough- tooth picks work just as well as pool cues and drum sticks when you need to kill some vampires in a pinch. Santos gets kidnapped and Jesus goes to save him but the vampires catch him and try to kill him by tying him up to the bumpers of two Honda Civics driving in opposite directions. Santos escapes and saves Jesus by biting through the ropes with his teeth. A long fight seen ensues during which we learn two important facts about Jesus. First- he's real bendy, and second- he can literally be in two places at once. Jesus gets stabbed through the heart, which you would think would be a bad thing, but he pulls the stake out to reveal the light of god, which he uses to kill the remaining vampires. Then he brings one back to life because Santos had developed a little crush on her. Jesus thought she was a lesbian, but it turns out it's okay- She's Bi. With the vampires dead Jesus puts on some sweet shades and goes to the park to preach the word of love but he temporarily loses the crowd when he gets a call on his cell phone during the sermon. It's okay though and the movie wraps up with a dance party in the park to a song with the highly repetitive lyrics, "It's okay. It's alright. Everybody gets laid tonight."
The end.
The end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)