"Zombies Anonymous"

Zombies Anonymous is a heartbreaking tale of guilt, betrayal, social inequality, and prejudice. It's a classic story- boy loves girl, girl leaves boy, boy shoots girl in the face, girl comes back from the dead to face terrible discrimination and social injustice. We've heard the story a million times but each time it tears us up inside. This movie is poignant. This movie is timeless. This movie is... terrible. God awful really. I implore you never to watch Zombies Anonymous. I enjoy writing about funny, cheesy, poorly made horror films that make you laugh. I thought a film titled "Zombies Anonymous" would be just that, but instead it takes itself way too seriously and tries to address real world social issues using the medium of zombie filmmaking. It is incredibly boring and painful to watch. If my synopsis makes it seem like it could be funny, it is simply a case of a good synopsis- not a good movie.
We open on a series of news reports informing us that for some reason the recently deceased are coming back to "life" moments after their death. We then witness a scene of a violent and heated domestic dispute. Our heroine, Angela, is in the bathroom with the door locked, crying in the bathtub. Outside the bathroom door is a man, Josh, who she has just broken off a relationship with. He is incredibly upset and pounding and screaming and holding a gun. He breaks the door down and shoots Angela in the face. After realizing what he's done Josh flees the scene. Months later we find her trying to cope with her new life as a zombie. She has joined a group called "zombies anonymous" where zombies can go to talk about the injustices they meet in their everyday lives. Society hates them. The government is trying to do away with them. They insist they're just like everyone else except that they can only eat raw meat and their hearts don't beat. At Zombies Anonymous they refer to themselves as "the mortally challenged". They eat donuts and drink coffee, even though doing so makes them vomit, because the creator of the group insists thats what normal people do at other support groups. So- rather than eating raw meat at their meetings, they eat donuts, and then vomit into personalized garbage pails. They have apparently put quite a bit of effort into personalizing their vomit pails, adding their names, and decorating with stickers and glitter. One of the members of the group, Louis, insists that there's no point in trying to act like everyone else. He insists that they give up on donuts and coffee and accept who they are. The rest of the group disagrees and kicks Louis out.
Next we find out that Josh has joined a rag tag team of zombie hunters who love to kidnap zombies and beat their heads in until their brains no longer function. They meet with an man named "the goose" who then puts them in touch with a woman called "the commandant". The commandant has founded an underground grassroots zombie killing squad and they want in. Their silly violence is nothing compared to what the commandant's group does.
After a meeting of Zombies Anonymous Angela bumps into Louis, who has recently joined a wonderful liberating group of zombies who have decided to accept what being a zombie is really all about: eatin' some humans. They bring Angela to their house to try to convince her she should join them, but Josh follows them and reports them to the commandant. Inside the group has kidnapped a woman and tries to get Angela to kill her so they can all eat her together. Apparently eating human flesh makes a zombie feel stronger and look sexier. Angela doesn't want to kill anyone though and leaves the room, when Josh and his new group burst in and kill the zombies, though some escape. Josh finds Angela in the other room and spares her. Angela goes back to another meeting of Zombies Anonymous thinking she doesn't want anything to do with the group that Louis brought her to. Josh however has followed her to Zombies Anonymous also and his group ambush them and take them out to torture them and destroy their brains, Angela included. Louis's group follows Josh's group and plan a little ambush of their own. Louis's group ends up killing most of the commandant's group, including Josh, turning them into zombies. The commandant happens to live and finds Josh and forces him to take her to Louis's group-who have taken Angela to their hideout.
Here's where things start to get a little crazy. Yes. Here. Things start to get crazy right here. So... The group Louis has joined have found a way to puree human flesh and inject it straight into the brain (of a zombie that is) as a drug. If, however, the zombie takes too much of the human puree they can OD. They don't really explain what that entails. They tie Angela up and start pumping her full of people puree. Meanwhile the commandant shoots herself in the head so that she can infiltrate the group and exact her revenge, assisted by Josh. The group find the recently deceased commandant and bring her to their hideout, with Josh following unnoticed. Once inside the commandant starts trying to destroy all the other zombies, Josh tries to break in and help, and Angela breaks free and gets into a brawl with the leader of the group who's name is the Good Mother Solstice, or was it Soleil Moon Frye? The movie explodes into a mess of blood and gore and violence and gunshots at this point. Angela finds a vile of people puree and jams it into Mother Moon Goddesses brain- the entire thing- and she OD's- which, we find out, means that her head explodes. Literally. Kablooey! Then almost everyone is dead except for the commandant, Josh and Angela. Angela goes to leave the house and runs into Josh who starts to blame her for everything that has happened through the course of the film. She calls him a lunatic and says that it's all his fault and if he doesn't get out of her way she's gonna cut his balls off. He tries to stop her, so... she cuts his balls off. He lies on the floor screaming and she leaves. The commandant finds Josh and kills him and then kills herself. Angela limps down the street covered in blood and full of bullet holes.
The end.