Today I'll be retelling the boring and poorly told tale of 1984's Night of the Comet. I don't quite understand the title. There is a comet but the movie takes place over the span of several days. I guess it's unimportant. It's almost Christmas in LA and an ancient comet is about to fly by the earth for the first time since the extinction of the dinosaurs. Everyone wants to be outside to witness the comet's trail through the night sky but some people get stuck indoors. poor Regina is working the night shift at the el Rey theater and her sister Samantha has a fight with their stepmother, runs away and stays in a storage shed. As the comet approaches the sky turns red and orange and everyone exposed to the strange light turns to dust.
The next morning the girls wake up unharmed but seem to notice that something fishy's going on and that no one's around anywhere. They notice that they can't reach anyone on the phone but that their favorite radio station's still playing so they go to see if they can find anyone. At the radio station they run into Hector, who spent the night indoors as well. He says that he had seen some scary looking survivors earlier in the day that attacked and ate a cat alive. Sam gets on the radio to signal to any other survivors and receives a call from some people claiming to be part of a research team in a bunker somewhere. When she goes to get Hector and Reg the phones go out and she loses them. Before she got off the phone with them they did tell her to be careful on the streets and that some people who may have survived could be very dangerous. When they can't get anyone back on the phone Hector decides to go to San Diego to find his mother and leaves the girls to roam the city alone. Hector doesn't find his madre at home but instead finds a neighborhood kid intent on eating Hector for lunch. Hector is able to flee the scene unharmed just in time for a really awesome montage with Sam and Reg shopping their time away in empty LA department stores set to an incredibly terrible Cindy Lauper cover song.
Unfortunately our girls aren't alone during their shopping spree. A group of men are watching Sam and Reg over the security cameras and decide that they look delicious. They get to Sam first and use her as bait for Reg. They tie them up and start to toy with them. It's not polite to play with your food, and so, they have to be punished. Just as their about to start eating Sam and Reg, the scientists from the bunker arrive and save the day. Very convenient. They shoot the guys up and save our girls in the nick of time. They take Reg away to the bunker in a helicopter and let Sam stay behind to wait for Hector. While waiting for Hector to show up one of the scientists starts writing a note to give to him explaining what the fuck is going on. Thank god cuz I still didn't even get it. I have to say that it was at this point that I almost turned the goddamn movie off it was so terrible. I mean, valley girls + horror film + comet from outer space = awesome right? wrong.
So apparently the people that weren't fully dustified by the light of the comet were slowly drying up from within because of the after effects from the comet's rays of light. I would think that there should be a lot more zombie comet victims roaming the streets but what do I know. The scientist goes on to say that even they were exposed and were slowly beginning to show symptoms. The reason they had found Reg and Sam was that they were looking for someone who might be immune to the effects of the event. Sam is showing symptoms so they leave her behind to be killed but she tells the doctor that she always gets a rash when she's stressed out. The doctor realizes that Sam isn't infected after all so she gives Sam a shot that puts her to sleep to make the others down in the Bunker think that she was killed. Then the doctor finishes the letter to Hector who's on his way letting him know of the other scientist's sinister plan. She confides in Hector that they plan to drain the blood of those unaffected by the comet and use it to find a cure. When Hector arrives he finds the scientist and a groggy but very much alive Sam. The doctor gives Hector the note and gives herself the lethal injection that was meant for Sam.
Reg, down in the bunker, gets the impression that something strange is going on. Other survivors seem to be brought into a operating room but never come out. Even some children are led into the room and Reg gets frustrated that none of the doctors seem to want to answer any of her questions. She breaks free from the room where she's being held and tries to find the other she saw earlier. Unfortunately she finds out just what's going on and that it's too late for most of the survivors. Above ground Hector and Sam show up to the compound and start fighting their way into to save Reg. Sam turns off the generator for the compound, creating poorly acted confusion and hard to believe chaos. Back below Reg walks in on some scientists just as they are about to put two annoying kids to sleep with gas maxes. Fortunately these kids, though terrible actors, are good listeners and remember an important lesson. "My mommy told me never to breathe anything from strangers." That's one lesson my mother neglected to teach me- Because she's an unfit mother obviously.
Anyways, Reg stops them in the knick of time, well kind of, since the gas wasn't pumping anymore anyway thanks to Sam. So Reg stops them and saves the kids and then Sam finds her and leads everyone up to the surface. Back up above Hector is pouring some fun gasoline on the cars at the compound. When Reg and Sam get upstairs he's all finished and he drives his own car to pick them up. When the other scientists reach the surface they get in their car and try to follow, but go kablooey instead. Great fun.
The ditzy survivors head back toward LA when it starts to rain, washing all the gross dead people dust off the streets and down into the sewer. Hector and Reg fall in lurv and plan to raise the kids as their own. Sam feels lonely and jealous but right as we think the movie is over a random blond surfer dude drives up in a car almost hitting Sam as she crosses the street. He tells her she shouldn't cross the street without the walk signal and after asking his name they all live happily ever after.
The end.
I implore you NEVER to watch this film. It took all the strength I possess not to turn it off half way and return it to Netflix. I knew it was my duty to finish- all for you. See what I do for you? You're welcome.
