"Black Sheep"

I really want to keep at this summary writing. The problem is that after the first few films, I've been having a hard time finding "horror" films that are as badly written/acted/filmed/etc as I'd like. I'm looking for something thats not only poorly done but also humorous (intentionally humorous honestly works better for my purposes) Something that hopefully includes lots of poorly executed jokes, ladies with their tops off, and maybe even a musical number or two. Since my first two summaries (Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter and Thankskilling) I've had a hard time finding films that are up to par, although this next film may put me back on track. Most recently I wrote about Poultrygeist. It honestly met most of my criteria but it was waaaay too gross to write about without offending people, and had waaaaay too much going on throughout the course of the film to summarize without sounding scattered and rushed. So- to those of you familiar with Troma films- they're out. I understand and even enjoy the humor- but I can't stomach the level of gross that they aspire to.
If anyone can recommend a film I haven't already written about and that isn't from the Troma lineup please please please let me know...
Having said all that I think I'm back on the right path- today I'll be summarizing a little film called Black Sheep. I hope you enjoy my summary of it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The film opens on a picturesque landscape and a bunch of cute little sheep grazing on the rolling hills of New Zealand. Cut to a family of sheep farmers- a father working in the fields- and two sons. One of these sons immediately establishes himself as a sick and twisted little bugger- who murders his little brother's pet sheep in cold blood, skins him and hangs his bloody carcass from the rafters in the barn, and wears his still bloody skin- all in the hopes of scaring his sweet little bother shitless. The younger brother walks in and is successfully terrified, when their housekeeper walks in to tell the boys that there has been an accident with their father...
Fast forward 15 years. Some dirty hippie vegan animal rights activists sporting a Meat is Murder bumper sticker are meddling on the fields of the sheep farm. You can just smell something bad coming from their shenanigans. Nothing good ever comes from vegan hippies in a horror movie... The younger of the two brothers, Henry, is returning to the farm in a cab, where he finds his older brother, Angus, preparing a speech he's going to give on the wonders of genetic engineering in modern agriculture. Angus makes fun of the sheepish (hehehe) Henry, who is apparently now terrified of sheep. Meanwhile the trouble making tree huggers stumble upon a laboratory where they find a cooler marked "for disposal". One of the peaceniks steals a jar from the cooler and the two run into the woods, but the first one trips on a root and smashes the glass jar, releasing a live, yet horribly mutated, sheep fetus. The fetus crawls on the hippies back and bites him on his ear, which is apparently made of rubber. Terrified, he bashes the sheep against a tree to get it to release its grasp. The fetus crawls away to the fields to infect the healthy flock, leaving the vegan moron cowering and crying in fetal position. Back at the farm, Henry's cousin Tucker offers to take him up to the fields to help him get over his fears. Along the way they bump into the other hippie, named Experience, who's looking for her partner in crime. While looking for him they stumble upon a farm house billowing with smoke. Once inside they find a kitchen spattered with blood, and Experience notices that the room, gasp!, has terrible feng shui!!!
Meanwhile, in the woods, the bitten hippie, Grant, is sitting up and trying to pull himself together when he spots a cute lil' bunny wabbit. Being a vegan tree hugger, he picks the little cutie pie up and starts petting it and assuring it (and himself) that everything is going to be okay. Suddenly his eyes glow red and he snaps and bites the fuzzy lil' bunny, eating him raw. Hillshire Farms- GO MEAT!!!
Back at the smokey farmhouse Henry, Tucker, and Experience find, and are chased by, a vicious blood thirsty sheep with huge bloody teeth. They lock themselves in a bedroom but the sheep busts his horrible little head through the door and they have to shoot it in the head a few times before it finally dies. They flee the house and hop in their truck, Experience and Henry in the back, Tucker in the front. Before they can get away another evil sheep gets into the cab of the truck and begins to attack poor Tucker. Tucker punches the sheep in the nose (but not before he's bitten on the foot), stunning the lil' guy, and buying him enough time to crawl out of the cab through the back window onto the truck bed. The evil sheep takes the wheel and starts driving the truck like a lunatic. In the back the bumbling trio notice that the sheep is driving them right towards a cliff and jump off the truck just in time to save themselves. The sheep in the cab isn't so lucky and with a wide eyed look of "Oh Shit!" goes plummeting off the cliff. The trio decide they have no choice but to make their way back to their farm even though there are evil sheep all along the way. They stumble upon the lab on their way and run inside to escape from a stampeding flock of evil barnyard animals.
At the same time Angus is on his way to the lab but bumps into the no longer vegan Grant, who has begun to turn into what can only be described as... DUN DUN DUN!!! A big scary Were-sheep!!!! Yes folks, that's right, a were-sheep... Grant bites Angus on the hand and scurries off into the fields, leaving Angus to drive to the lab and find the protagonist trio. Once there Angus escorts his brother and Experience outside and the mad scientist woman responsible for the sheep fetus injects Tucker with some sleepy time medicine. Outside the evil flock of sheep charge at Henry and Experience, and they fall into a disgusting pit of rotting gross that the scientists have been dumping their failed experiments in. Experience lights a geranium aroma therapy candle to calm her nerves. Through the entire film she has been exasperatingly unimpressed by the danger at hand, but rather has kept on point with her inane environmentalist ramblings- modern agriculture rapes mother earth, methane from sheep farts cause rises in levels of green house gases, etc. Once down in the pit I'm hoping a genetically mutated sheep fetus will jump out and kill the bitch, but no such luck. Henry finds a tunnel/cave and they head off to find a way out.
Back in the lab the scientist sees the bite mark through Tucker's boot and removes it to reveal that his foot has turned into a hairy cloven hoof. Instead of a reaction of horror, she is delighted and thinks this may be her great break through with her research. Henry and Experience are crawling on their stomachs to get out of the cave when they are suddenly attacked from behind by one of the evil sheep. They hurry and scurry and find an opening, narrowly escaping through the hole which the sheep can't fit through- so -they toss the aroma therapy candle at the struggling sheep, which bursts into flames as though soaked in gasoline. Now- I don't really believe sheep to be so highly flammable, but what do I know? Once out of the cave they find that Grant has turned into a full fledged giant sheep person. He charges at them and tries to attack when Experience notices blood on Grants snout, and starts asking him if he's been eating meat, and if the meat was even organic. Grant pauses, perplexed, just long enough for Henry and Experience to escape.
Back at the lab, Tucker has almost completed the transition himself and the mad scientist lady is delighted. She gives him an injection which turns him back into a human, and cackles with glee as she proclaims that she'll be able to further her research with this serum. She gives him another dose of sleepy sauce and leaves to join Angus at the speech he was preparing for when he met Henry so many scenes ago. Unfortunately she is attacked by killer sheep and never quite makes it.
Back near the farm house, dozens of local farmers and industry experts have gathered out doors to hear Angus' speech about the wonders of genetic engineering. Henry and Experience arrive at a clearing just in time to witness a giant flock of evil sheep barreling right for the gathering. From afar they witness the entire group get devoured in a wonderfully violent blood bath with more than a hint of humor.
The housekeeper pulls up in her car just in time to save Henry and Experience. They head back to the house and lock themselves in to find that Grant has beat them there. Experience successfully paralyzes him using a match stick as an acupuncture needle, but not before he is able to bite Henry. Then they find that Angus is there too, and has also begun to turn. He confesses that in the lab they had combined human DNA, Angus' DNA in fact, with sheep DNA to create this new breed of sheep they'd been working on. He insists he needs to save his research and since he hasn't become violent yet he leaves them in the house as he runs out to try to reach the barn and fly to safety in his Cessna airplane
Outside, the house is surrounded by killer sheep, and many of the people attacked at the speech have turned into were-sheep as well. Experience and the housekeeper escape out the back and reach her car. With the housekeeper driving and Experience brandishing a shot gun and standing through the sunroof, they drive down the road shooting as many of the evil sheep and were-sheep people as possible. Henry is able to move safely through the herd, as he's been bitten. He is following Angus and trying to beat him to the barn before he is able to fly off. Angus reaches the barn first and starts the plane, but before he's able to climb in he turns into a full were-sheep. Henry reaches the barn and he and Angus begin to fight each other. They leave the barn and take their fight into the field, the unmanned airplane begins to meander through the field as well and Henry is able to back Angus up into the planes propellors. Tucker, now awake and no longer a were-sheep, thanks to the mad scientist's serum, arrives on a four wheeler just in time to inject Angus before he is able to retaliate. Human once again, Angus falls to the ground and bleeds to death in the field. Tucker gives Henry the shot too, and they regroup with Experience and the housekeeper. Using a sheep dog they round all the evil sheep together. Apparently the sheep are strong enough to kill and devour human beings but are still afraid of a sheep dog. The group is trying to figure out what to do with the evil sheep, as there isn't enough serum to cure them all, when they notice the sheep are all farting (probably because their stomach's aren't used to so much raw meat???). Experience reminds the group about how methane from animal farming adds to green house gasses, and they decide to use the methane to their advantage. They toss a lighter toward the flatulent flock, and Kablooey!!!, the whole bunch of them explode in a fire ball!
Next we see the survivors on a beautiful sunny day injecting the remaining were-sheep with the rest of the serum and turning them human again. Henry, Tucker and Experience decide they're going to keep the farm, but run it organically from now on. The house keeper arrives with a delicious batch of mountain oysters she just whipped up for the gang to enjoy, but Experience is the only one to indulge, admitting she does eat a bit of sea food every once in a while. Henry leans in and whispers that mountain oysters aren't seafood at all, but fried sheep testicles. Experience spits out her mouthful of balls and they all have a good laugh.
The end.

"Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead"

Okie Doke. Time for another terrible horror movie summary and let me tell you- this one's a doozie. Hold on to your butts, we're in for a bumpy ride. Filled with original songs, fake blood, doodie, vomit, sex, and gore, and a plethora of titties, boobies, tatas, and melons; this movie was one of the most ridiculous and disgusting things I've ever seen. I feel it necessary to mention that Poultrygeist is a Troma film. For those of you who are familiar with Troma, you understand the genre. Most of you probably do not know Troma films very well so suffice it to say that these movies incorporate very juvenile potty humor with the most disgusting over the top gore and yuck you've ever seen. Every film is nastier than the last. Even this summary is not for the faint of heart so read at your own risk.
Okay so we open on two horny teens, Arby and Wendy (The movie's about a fast food chain so... witty huh?) dry humping in an ancient indian burial ground. Wendy's about to go off to college and leave poor Arby to take care of his retarded family, but Wendy promises that she wont change while away at school. Things start to get hot and heavy and Arby and Wendy begin to have the copulation time. Of course, they're in an indian burial ground, so, some dead people's arms pop out of the ground and start feeling up all over them. They're so into each other that they don't even seem to notice. Then a man holding an axe pops out from behind one of the gravestones and scares the two kids half to death. He is masturbating so they decide to leave, but they forget to retrieve their underwear. The creepy guy picks up the forgotten garments and starts smelling them and masturbating. Suddenly- an arm shoots out of the ground and into the mans... ummm... booty. The arm rips through his whole body, comes out his mouth, grabs the underpants, and then goes back into the ground, leaving the creepy guy to die.
One year passes and a fast food chicken chain has been built on the grounds of the graveyard. Arby stumbles upon the chain by accident to find a group of protesters upset about the desecration of the sacred site. He discovers Wendy in the crowd making out with a woman. Even though she promised not to change while away at college, Wendy has turned dyke. Arby is understandably upset and sings a beautiful song about how Wendy now eats snatch and he is going to get revenge by getting a job at the fast food chain, called American Chicken Bunker. He asks the manager for a job and meets the kitchen crew. The eggs in the restaurant have been possessed and turn green and pulsating and veiny- but they use them anyway- no big deal. When they open the doors for business, Ron Jeremy runs in, yes that's right, Ron Jeremy, and he warns them all that since the restaurant was built on an indian burial ground that it's cursed and they should all get out and save themselves before it's too late. Of course they don't heed his warning. The kitchen crew accidentally mixes one of the green veiny eggs into a man's order and even though it is clearly foul (hehe) the man eats it anyway. He instantly runs to the bathroom screaming and has a ridiculously repulsive attack of explosive diarrhea. After having a fantasy about boffing Wendy and her lesbian lover in front of the counter at the restaurant, Arby discovers the bathroom covered in blood and feces. While cleaning the mess he sings a heart felt song about how much he misses Wendy and her love. The CEO of American Chicken Bunker arrives in a stretch Hummer Limo and has a song and dance off against the protesters in the parking lot. The protesters get served. Inside, one of the mexican laborers, Paco Bell, starts masturbating into the meat grinder in a show of political rebellion. An evil chicken, which hatched from one of the evil eggs, runs up, flips the switch, and pushes Paco into the spinning blades of the grinder. Poor Paco dies a horrible bloody splattery messy disgusting death. While fixing a sloppy Jose sandwich, Arby discovers that not only has Paco been reincarnated in the form of a talking sandwich, he has also come out of the closet. Paco warns Arby that by building the chicken chain on the indian burial ground, the chain has combined the horrible anguish felt both by native americans as well as factory raised poultry. Paco goes on to explain that this combination has unleashed a great evil on the land and if Arby doesn't act soon and save the day all hope will be lost. Just as the talking sandwich version of Paco is about to tell Arbie how to stop the evil, the CEO of the chicken chain eats poor Paco.
Meanwhile, in the basement, another employee- Carl Jr.- is intercoursing with a raw chicken. Just as Carl Jr. is about to climax, the chicken comes to life and tries to eat his quivering member. Poor Carl Jr. runs up to the kitchen screaming and spouting blood and evil green mucus all over the buckets of prepared fried chicken. Coming to his rescue, the kitchen's token muslim woman, Hummus, rams a broom handle up Carl Jr.'s ass to get the chicken to release. Unfortunately she gets carried away in the moment and rams too hard, bursting straight through his body, ejecting not only the chicken but Carl's wee wee and insides as well... The CEO decides that bringing Carl Jr. to the hospital would only give the angry protesters outside more to get upset about, so instead he decides to save the reputation of his chain by offering the hungry protesters free fried chicken. (which he doesn't realize has just been sprayed with evil chicken gore and Carl Jr.'s blood) When the restaurant staff takes the fried chicken out to the protesters they refuse to eat at first, but when Wendy's new lesbian lover (who is the unofficial leader of the protest) takes a bite the rest follow suit.
We next discover that poor Wendy has been duped, her lover is actually a corporate plant for American Chicken Bunker, placed in the crowd to get them to eat the chicken. Wendy catches her having kinky baby sexy time with the chain's CEO and starts to regret what she'd done to poor Arby. They are interrupted by the manager of the restaurant who bursts in saying something terrible is happening in the dining room. The crowd is all violently vomiting all over the place and Wendy accuses the chain of serving tainted food products. She challenges the CEO to eat some of the chicken himself, and reluctantly he agrees. He appears to be unharmed for a moment, but suddenly has to run to the bathroom where he shits out an evil egg into the toilet. The egg hatches into an evil green chicken monster and the CEO is forced to bite the chicken's head off to save himself, spraying evil green chicken blood all over. In the kitchen, Carl Jr. comes back from the dead and turns into a giant evil zombie chicken monster, but the broom handle, which is still lodged in his groin, gets stuck in a hole in the wall and he can't move. Hummus, Arby, Wendy, and the fake lesbian try to run away but once in the dining room they discover that everyone who ate the fried chicken has turned into a chicken zombie and is killing and eating the rest of the restaurants patrons in the most violent gory disgusting scene yet. So gross. Really really awful.
Another employee joins them and reveals a gun cache he's been hiding in the children's toys for happy meals in case he wanted to go on a disgruntled rampage. They kill all the demon chickens in the dining room but when they go to leave they find that even more demon chickens are waiting outside. They find that the Carl Jr. demon zombie chicken monster is still alive and plead with him to tell them the secret of how to stop the evil. Carl Jr.'s soul comes through and tells them, "Alcohol". Arby, who is incredibly dense, thinks that Carl Jr. is asking for booze, not telling him the secret weakness of the native american evil. Eventually they figure it out though, and Wendy sprays the most of the evil monsters with beer while Arby shouts beer slogans. Because the chickens combined evil forces with the native americans, their only weakness is alcohol. Clever huh? Eventually the beer runs out and they get overrun by the chicken dead and have to retreat to the basement where they are followed by one of the biggest chicken monsters, who happens to be the zombie of the restaurant's CEO. Before eating Wendy, Hummus, and Arby, the CEO chicken sings a song about how the white man ruined the lives and culture of the native americans. When the song is over and he is about to eat the trio, he gets a case of indigestion and shits himself to death. From the shit returns the talking sandwich embodiment of Paco Bell. Since he was eaten by the CEO earlier he was able to fight him from the inside out, and he makes a hilarious joke about the chicken's stomach not being about to handle mexican.
Hummus decides to sacrifice herself for the good of America by suicide bombing the restaurant and killing the remaining chicken dead. Wendy and Arby escape just in time to watch the restaurant explode. They hop in a car and drive off unharmed but they get into a sudden car accident and die anyway.
The End.