Okay it's been a few weeks and I decided it was time for another inane synopsis/summary
Today I watched A Boy and His Dog.
We open on a barren desert landscape in the year 2024. It is supposed to by 16 years after WW IV, which was supposed to have destroyed (most of) the world with nuclear bombs. The main characters are Vic and Blood. Blood is Vic's dog who happens to be able to communicate with Vic telepathically. They live in a world where there is very little food and very few women and tribes of scavengers roam the desert in search of underground caches of canned goods. These scavengers also have dogs of their own and everyone uses their dogs to pick up the scents of females so they can get laid. Vic and Blood go to an outdoor pornographic theater at night and Blood picks up on the scent of a woman. After tracking her down they go down into what used to be a hospital to find her. For some reason (that's never explained) the desert they live in exists above the remains of a city. While down there they are ambushed by some other scavengers who apparently also used their dogs to pick up the woman's scent. Vic starts to scream to scare off the scavengers because there are apparently radioactive zombies called Screamers who can kill you just by touching you. After the other scavengers run away Vic, Blood and the woman, who's name we find out is Quilla June, go inside an old boiler to hide from real Screamers. We never once see a Screamer or hear anything more about them.
After Vic makes sweet sweet love with Quilla June several times, she tries to convince him to come to live in a civilization that exists entirely underground (where she comes from). Blood tries to convince him not to but he goes anyway.
Once underground we find an entire civilization with many healthy inhabitants all wearing new clothes, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, playing in marching bands, and living a very wholesome, yet creepy, life of 50s idealism. There are just two problems (at first glance- with more to come), all the people are wearing clown makeup (the reason for which is never explained) AND even though their civilization is entirely underground and the only light that exists is spotty and artificial (basically casting the same type of light as street lights at night) their world has full sized trees, grassy lawns, and plenty of fresh produce...
As it turns out their underground lifestyle has left their men infertile so Quilla June was sent up to trick Vic into coming down so they could force him to get their women pregnant. The idea of being able to make sweet sweet copulation with so many willing women thrills Vic, and he accepts. Next we see poor Vic bound and gagged, tied to an operating table, with a device that seems to be pumping the boy butter right out of him. Poor Poor Vic. In the same room one of the leaders of the village, called "the committee", is performing weddings and giving each blushing bride a vile of Vic's freshly churned man plasma. Quilla June was promised she would be put on the committee for getting Vic, and when this promise is not fulfilled she decides to kidnap Vic. Dressed as a bride herself she rushes in and knocks out the committee member with a crowbar hidden in her bouquet and then rushes out of the building with Vic assisted by two of her friends. Instead of trying to escape, the trio decide that with Vic's virile manhood on their side that they can be the new rulers of the society. Wrong. The committee holds an emergency meeting and sentence them all to death. They send the town strong man to strangle the hooligans and he succeeds on Quilla June's two friends. When Vic tries to use a gun on the strong man he realizes that he's actually a robot. Quilla June and Vic run to escape back above but when they get out they find that Blood has been in a scuffle and is badly injured. Quilla June tries to plead with Vic that Blood is too beat up to go on and they should run away without him. VIc insists that Blood needs food and he'll be okay, but where to get it?
So- of course- Vic kills, cooks, and eats Quilla June. Blood and Vic walk away happy and healthy into the sunrise.
The end.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"Monsturd"
Okay. Here we go again. I am beginning to wonder if it's really worth my while to humor you people when doing so means that I have to waste so many hours of my life watching these ridiculous films. Today I watched a wonderful little flick titled, "Monsturd". Again, as in the past, I implore you- do NOT watch this movie. It's bad. That's why Im writing about it. If it were good I would just tell you to watch it instead of saving you the time and just telling you the plot. I had a little quarrel with a dear friend of mine today because after reading the synopsis for a film I recently wrote about, she decided to watch it. It was beyond terrible and she blamed me for making it sound interesting in the synopsis. I have told you before and I'll tell you again- if I make these films sound interesting it's because I enjoy writing entertaining summaries of what happens in them- not because the movies themselves are worth watching. I WILL NOT be held responsible for you wasting your time if you choose to watch one of these movies.
So- apparently the movie I watched today is supposed to be a twisted scary bedtime story thought up by a young girl trying to frighten her father. A crazy idiotic moron escapes from prison and the guard finds out about it because the ridiculous scarecrow the inmate left in his place won't wake up. Apparently a chemical company called Dutech has been doing experiments on this inmate so they're really upset about the whole thing. A woman at Dutech labs has an accident in one of the sealed testing facilities, and gets doodie all over her face. After the doodie gets on her face she dies and the mad scientist behind the experiment decides to dissolve her body in a big bucket of dry ice and water with green food coloring. Then he drags the whole bucket on the back of a truck and dumps it down the city sewer drain. The police go looking for the escaped inmate in the sewers but when he tries to escape he falls into a pool of ooze and he gets doodie all over his face too. Then he melts and all thats left is his skull. Next another policeman goes into the sewer for... a reason? - and he stumbles upon a huge- like real real big- steaming pile of... doodie- which has arms and grabs and eats him. Yes- the policeman is eaten by a gigantic steaming pile of shit. Next, for some reason or another, a different policeman beats the shit out of a puppet wearing a tie dye shirt. From here the giant doodie monster starts growing and feeding on more and more people, dudes with really dirty toilets, homeless people, etc. When the FBI gets involved they discover a mutant form of bacteria has been released into the sewers and go looking to the mad scientist that works at Dutech for answers. He plays dumb (and rather snippy) and then assembles a clean up crew to go dispose of any bacteria that may be down in the sewers. His crew is almost all eaten by the shit monster but the doctor makes it out alive. When the monster leaves a living witness, a small girl who informs police, "the biggest doodoo in the world came and took my daddy", the FBI surmises that the mutant bacteria has joined its DNA with that of the escaped serial killer who died in the sewers. When the FBI begs the local police force to keep the townsfolk away from their toilets, the sheriff says that he can't do that because the town's annual chili cook off is coming up and it brings in too many tourist dollars to call it off. The mad scientist decides to go back down into the sewer to try to study the shit man, luring him with corn and peanuts. When the shit man comes and tries to eat the scientist, the scientist tells him that he created him in a lab. This really upsets the monster, who complains, "I smell like shit, I look like shit, I feel like shit." When the scientist promises the monster that the chili cook off will be an all you can eat butt-fet (my words, not theirs- after sitting through all the butt and poop jokes in this movie I couldn't help myself)- the monster lets him live. Back in town the FBI is trying to find a way to kill the bacteria and, after many experiments, they find that diarrhea medicine does the trick. The sheriff and his force run out to buy every single bottle of anti diarrhea medicine, every roll of toilet paper and every diaper in the town. They also commission another scientist to breed 1 million flies for them to help with their master plan. With the chili cook off in full swing, the local police and the FBI combine their forces, to a total of 5 people, descend into the sewers to put their plan into action. They cover themselves in diapers as body armor, fill giant water guns with Pepto Bismal and go down to chase the poopoo monster out into the open, where another policeman will be waiting with the flies, who are supposed to eat the monster to death. The mad scientist goes down to the sewer to save the monsturd, luring him with fart noises. The poop man gets pissed though and kills the scientist, and then goes after the police. Their plan is successful though, they lure him out into the open and start spraying him with Pepto, which stuns him enough that he cant run away. The fly scientist shows up just in time, releases the million flies, who do in fact fly right at the smell of the monster and start eating him. He dies and the police walk away triumphant. Then we return to the bedroom of the little girl who thought the whole story up. When he father asks, "Yeah, then what happened?", she replies, "Then Hollywood bought the story rights and turned it into a movie that cost one hundred million dollars!"
The end.
I just want to clear up something- that little bitch was lying- this movie did not cost anywhere near $100 million to make.
So- apparently the movie I watched today is supposed to be a twisted scary bedtime story thought up by a young girl trying to frighten her father. A crazy idiotic moron escapes from prison and the guard finds out about it because the ridiculous scarecrow the inmate left in his place won't wake up. Apparently a chemical company called Dutech has been doing experiments on this inmate so they're really upset about the whole thing. A woman at Dutech labs has an accident in one of the sealed testing facilities, and gets doodie all over her face. After the doodie gets on her face she dies and the mad scientist behind the experiment decides to dissolve her body in a big bucket of dry ice and water with green food coloring. Then he drags the whole bucket on the back of a truck and dumps it down the city sewer drain. The police go looking for the escaped inmate in the sewers but when he tries to escape he falls into a pool of ooze and he gets doodie all over his face too. Then he melts and all thats left is his skull. Next another policeman goes into the sewer for... a reason? - and he stumbles upon a huge- like real real big- steaming pile of... doodie- which has arms and grabs and eats him. Yes- the policeman is eaten by a gigantic steaming pile of shit. Next, for some reason or another, a different policeman beats the shit out of a puppet wearing a tie dye shirt. From here the giant doodie monster starts growing and feeding on more and more people, dudes with really dirty toilets, homeless people, etc. When the FBI gets involved they discover a mutant form of bacteria has been released into the sewers and go looking to the mad scientist that works at Dutech for answers. He plays dumb (and rather snippy) and then assembles a clean up crew to go dispose of any bacteria that may be down in the sewers. His crew is almost all eaten by the shit monster but the doctor makes it out alive. When the monster leaves a living witness, a small girl who informs police, "the biggest doodoo in the world came and took my daddy", the FBI surmises that the mutant bacteria has joined its DNA with that of the escaped serial killer who died in the sewers. When the FBI begs the local police force to keep the townsfolk away from their toilets, the sheriff says that he can't do that because the town's annual chili cook off is coming up and it brings in too many tourist dollars to call it off. The mad scientist decides to go back down into the sewer to try to study the shit man, luring him with corn and peanuts. When the shit man comes and tries to eat the scientist, the scientist tells him that he created him in a lab. This really upsets the monster, who complains, "I smell like shit, I look like shit, I feel like shit." When the scientist promises the monster that the chili cook off will be an all you can eat butt-fet (my words, not theirs- after sitting through all the butt and poop jokes in this movie I couldn't help myself)- the monster lets him live. Back in town the FBI is trying to find a way to kill the bacteria and, after many experiments, they find that diarrhea medicine does the trick. The sheriff and his force run out to buy every single bottle of anti diarrhea medicine, every roll of toilet paper and every diaper in the town. They also commission another scientist to breed 1 million flies for them to help with their master plan. With the chili cook off in full swing, the local police and the FBI combine their forces, to a total of 5 people, descend into the sewers to put their plan into action. They cover themselves in diapers as body armor, fill giant water guns with Pepto Bismal and go down to chase the poopoo monster out into the open, where another policeman will be waiting with the flies, who are supposed to eat the monster to death. The mad scientist goes down to the sewer to save the monsturd, luring him with fart noises. The poop man gets pissed though and kills the scientist, and then goes after the police. Their plan is successful though, they lure him out into the open and start spraying him with Pepto, which stuns him enough that he cant run away. The fly scientist shows up just in time, releases the million flies, who do in fact fly right at the smell of the monster and start eating him. He dies and the police walk away triumphant. Then we return to the bedroom of the little girl who thought the whole story up. When he father asks, "Yeah, then what happened?", she replies, "Then Hollywood bought the story rights and turned it into a movie that cost one hundred million dollars!"
The end.
I just want to clear up something- that little bitch was lying- this movie did not cost anywhere near $100 million to make.
"Zombies Anonymous"
Zombies Anonymous is a heartbreaking tale of guilt, betrayal, social inequality, and prejudice. It's a classic story- boy loves girl, girl leaves boy, boy shoots girl in the face, girl comes back from the dead to face terrible discrimination and social injustice. We've heard the story a million times but each time it tears us up inside. This movie is poignant. This movie is timeless. This movie is... terrible. God awful really. I implore you never to watch Zombies Anonymous. I enjoy writing about funny, cheesy, poorly made horror films that make you laugh. I thought a film titled "Zombies Anonymous" would be just that, but instead it takes itself way too seriously and tries to address real world social issues using the medium of zombie filmmaking. It is incredibly boring and painful to watch. If my synopsis makes it seem like it could be funny, it is simply a case of a good synopsis- not a good movie.
We open on a series of news reports informing us that for some reason the recently deceased are coming back to "life" moments after their death. We then witness a scene of a violent and heated domestic dispute. Our heroine, Angela, is in the bathroom with the door locked, crying in the bathtub. Outside the bathroom door is a man, Josh, who she has just broken off a relationship with. He is incredibly upset and pounding and screaming and holding a gun. He breaks the door down and shoots Angela in the face. After realizing what he's done Josh flees the scene. Months later we find her trying to cope with her new life as a zombie. She has joined a group called "zombies anonymous" where zombies can go to talk about the injustices they meet in their everyday lives. Society hates them. The government is trying to do away with them. They insist they're just like everyone else except that they can only eat raw meat and their hearts don't beat. At Zombies Anonymous they refer to themselves as "the mortally challenged". They eat donuts and drink coffee, even though doing so makes them vomit, because the creator of the group insists thats what normal people do at other support groups. So- rather than eating raw meat at their meetings, they eat donuts, and then vomit into personalized garbage pails. They have apparently put quite a bit of effort into personalizing their vomit pails, adding their names, and decorating with stickers and glitter. One of the members of the group, Louis, insists that there's no point in trying to act like everyone else. He insists that they give up on donuts and coffee and accept who they are. The rest of the group disagrees and kicks Louis out.
Next we find out that Josh has joined a rag tag team of zombie hunters who love to kidnap zombies and beat their heads in until their brains no longer function. They meet with an man named "the goose" who then puts them in touch with a woman called "the commandant". The commandant has founded an underground grassroots zombie killing squad and they want in. Their silly violence is nothing compared to what the commandant's group does.
After a meeting of Zombies Anonymous Angela bumps into Louis, who has recently joined a wonderful liberating group of zombies who have decided to accept what being a zombie is really all about: eatin' some humans. They bring Angela to their house to try to convince her she should join them, but Josh follows them and reports them to the commandant. Inside the group has kidnapped a woman and tries to get Angela to kill her so they can all eat her together. Apparently eating human flesh makes a zombie feel stronger and look sexier. Angela doesn't want to kill anyone though and leaves the room, when Josh and his new group burst in and kill the zombies, though some escape. Josh finds Angela in the other room and spares her. Angela goes back to another meeting of Zombies Anonymous thinking she doesn't want anything to do with the group that Louis brought her to. Josh however has followed her to Zombies Anonymous also and his group ambush them and take them out to torture them and destroy their brains, Angela included. Louis's group follows Josh's group and plan a little ambush of their own. Louis's group ends up killing most of the commandant's group, including Josh, turning them into zombies. The commandant happens to live and finds Josh and forces him to take her to Louis's group-who have taken Angela to their hideout.
Here's where things start to get a little crazy. Yes. Here. Things start to get crazy right here. So... The group Louis has joined have found a way to puree human flesh and inject it straight into the brain (of a zombie that is) as a drug. If, however, the zombie takes too much of the human puree they can OD. They don't really explain what that entails. They tie Angela up and start pumping her full of people puree. Meanwhile the commandant shoots herself in the head so that she can infiltrate the group and exact her revenge, assisted by Josh. The group find the recently deceased commandant and bring her to their hideout, with Josh following unnoticed. Once inside the commandant starts trying to destroy all the other zombies, Josh tries to break in and help, and Angela breaks free and gets into a brawl with the leader of the group who's name is the Good Mother Solstice, or was it Soleil Moon Frye? The movie explodes into a mess of blood and gore and violence and gunshots at this point. Angela finds a vile of people puree and jams it into Mother Moon Goddesses brain- the entire thing- and she OD's- which, we find out, means that her head explodes. Literally. Kablooey! Then almost everyone is dead except for the commandant, Josh and Angela. Angela goes to leave the house and runs into Josh who starts to blame her for everything that has happened through the course of the film. She calls him a lunatic and says that it's all his fault and if he doesn't get out of her way she's gonna cut his balls off. He tries to stop her, so... she cuts his balls off. He lies on the floor screaming and she leaves. The commandant finds Josh and kills him and then kills herself. Angela limps down the street covered in blood and full of bullet holes.
The end.
We open on a series of news reports informing us that for some reason the recently deceased are coming back to "life" moments after their death. We then witness a scene of a violent and heated domestic dispute. Our heroine, Angela, is in the bathroom with the door locked, crying in the bathtub. Outside the bathroom door is a man, Josh, who she has just broken off a relationship with. He is incredibly upset and pounding and screaming and holding a gun. He breaks the door down and shoots Angela in the face. After realizing what he's done Josh flees the scene. Months later we find her trying to cope with her new life as a zombie. She has joined a group called "zombies anonymous" where zombies can go to talk about the injustices they meet in their everyday lives. Society hates them. The government is trying to do away with them. They insist they're just like everyone else except that they can only eat raw meat and their hearts don't beat. At Zombies Anonymous they refer to themselves as "the mortally challenged". They eat donuts and drink coffee, even though doing so makes them vomit, because the creator of the group insists thats what normal people do at other support groups. So- rather than eating raw meat at their meetings, they eat donuts, and then vomit into personalized garbage pails. They have apparently put quite a bit of effort into personalizing their vomit pails, adding their names, and decorating with stickers and glitter. One of the members of the group, Louis, insists that there's no point in trying to act like everyone else. He insists that they give up on donuts and coffee and accept who they are. The rest of the group disagrees and kicks Louis out.
Next we find out that Josh has joined a rag tag team of zombie hunters who love to kidnap zombies and beat their heads in until their brains no longer function. They meet with an man named "the goose" who then puts them in touch with a woman called "the commandant". The commandant has founded an underground grassroots zombie killing squad and they want in. Their silly violence is nothing compared to what the commandant's group does.
After a meeting of Zombies Anonymous Angela bumps into Louis, who has recently joined a wonderful liberating group of zombies who have decided to accept what being a zombie is really all about: eatin' some humans. They bring Angela to their house to try to convince her she should join them, but Josh follows them and reports them to the commandant. Inside the group has kidnapped a woman and tries to get Angela to kill her so they can all eat her together. Apparently eating human flesh makes a zombie feel stronger and look sexier. Angela doesn't want to kill anyone though and leaves the room, when Josh and his new group burst in and kill the zombies, though some escape. Josh finds Angela in the other room and spares her. Angela goes back to another meeting of Zombies Anonymous thinking she doesn't want anything to do with the group that Louis brought her to. Josh however has followed her to Zombies Anonymous also and his group ambush them and take them out to torture them and destroy their brains, Angela included. Louis's group follows Josh's group and plan a little ambush of their own. Louis's group ends up killing most of the commandant's group, including Josh, turning them into zombies. The commandant happens to live and finds Josh and forces him to take her to Louis's group-who have taken Angela to their hideout.
Here's where things start to get a little crazy. Yes. Here. Things start to get crazy right here. So... The group Louis has joined have found a way to puree human flesh and inject it straight into the brain (of a zombie that is) as a drug. If, however, the zombie takes too much of the human puree they can OD. They don't really explain what that entails. They tie Angela up and start pumping her full of people puree. Meanwhile the commandant shoots herself in the head so that she can infiltrate the group and exact her revenge, assisted by Josh. The group find the recently deceased commandant and bring her to their hideout, with Josh following unnoticed. Once inside the commandant starts trying to destroy all the other zombies, Josh tries to break in and help, and Angela breaks free and gets into a brawl with the leader of the group who's name is the Good Mother Solstice, or was it Soleil Moon Frye? The movie explodes into a mess of blood and gore and violence and gunshots at this point. Angela finds a vile of people puree and jams it into Mother Moon Goddesses brain- the entire thing- and she OD's- which, we find out, means that her head explodes. Literally. Kablooey! Then almost everyone is dead except for the commandant, Josh and Angela. Angela goes to leave the house and runs into Josh who starts to blame her for everything that has happened through the course of the film. She calls him a lunatic and says that it's all his fault and if he doesn't get out of her way she's gonna cut his balls off. He tries to stop her, so... she cuts his balls off. He lies on the floor screaming and she leaves. The commandant finds Josh and kills him and then kills herself. Angela limps down the street covered in blood and full of bullet holes.
The end.
"Thankskilling"
Okay so I've decided it could be fun to write a couple of these little scene by scenes of the worst/best horror movies ever available for instant watch on netflix. As I said in the last synopsis I am banking on the assumption that none of you will ever actually watch these films so I'm giving away the plot in its entirety. If you think you may want to watch a film I write about, please don't read the synopsis.
Okay so It's 1621. The olden days- Their words not mine- moments after the first thanksgiving. So open scene on a rather large pair of tits. Pan out to a pilgrim woman (wearing an awful lot of make up) who for seemingly no reason at all has her tits out. She looks terrified and begins to run through the woods, of course with her titties flippin and floppin all over the damn place. She is confronted by a rather unattractive talking turkey who says, "Nice tits bitch.", and kills her with a golden hatchet. Next we open on 5 college coeds that are so excited about Thanksgiving break that they decide to take their tops off and one of them has to correct the situation by saying, "It's thanksgiving, not titsgiving." So of the five there's a jock, a slut, a nerd, a redneck, and a good girl. Cut to a dog taking a piss in the woods, which apparently brings the evil turkey back to life. The 5 college students all pile in a jeep and head for their homes but the jeep breaks down and since they have tents and beer (for some reason) they decide to camp right there. One of them discovers an old sign reading "Crawberg" and remembers the story of an indian who was wronged by a pilgrim and curses all white men with an evil murderous turkey that will come back and kill any white men it can every 505 years. Apparently this is true- Turkeyologists have confirmed the story. Although the college students are terrified by the story they decide to stay and get drunk anyway. One of them goes into the woods to make a phone call and bumps into the evil turkey. He does not kill her, but he does establish that he has a potty mouth. She runs back to the camp and tells her friends what happened but they don't believe her and they all go to sleep. Then next morning they all wake up unharmed, fix the car and head to their homes. A man sees the turkey on the side of the road and pulls over to offer him a ride in exchange for "ass, grass, or cash". The turkey lies and says he'll give the man some ass, but the when the man starts to unzip his pants the turkey shoots him. Then the turkey steals the car to find the homes of all the students. First he finds the jock kid and kills his parents. The jock gets away and rounds up all the other kids except for the slut who he can't get ahold of. Meanwhile she's having sex with a random guy and the turkey finds her. The turkey sneaks in and kills the random guy and slips in to his place before she notices- using an extra small gravy flavored condom- again their words not mine. Once he gets off he kills her too and then moves on to find the rest. They all go to look for a book on killer turkeys (by the turkeyologists) at the good girl's dad's house. The turkey had already made it back to her dad's house and killer her dad, but no one notices when they get there because the turkey has made a mask out of her dad's face. When they find the book they learn that they need to remove the turkey's magic necklace, say an evil prayer, and burn the turkey at the stake. The redneck student gets hungry and bored and leaves to go look for something to eat. The turkey disguises himself as a delicious cartoon cooked turkey dinner and the redneck eats whole in one bite. The turkey then shoots the redneck with a shotgun from inside his stomach and pops his head out to exclaim, "Gobble Gobble, motherfucker!" When the three remaining students discover the rednecks dead body there is a montage accompanied by a beautiful song about friendship. Then the students go find the turkey's teepee where the turkey is making a salad. They tie the turkey up with a tiny bit of string and recite the prayer to make it so he's no longer invincible. They try to burn him but he tries to escape and ends up being shot in the head by the redneck who's dog peed on him and brought him back to life. He goes flying and lands in a dumpster. They all rejoice in his death and don't happen to notice that the dumpster is full of radioactive waste. They go to watch a movie and he comes back to life as a green glowing headless turkey. He kills two more of the students before finally being burned to death in a conveniently prebuilt bonfire. The end.
Okay so It's 1621. The olden days- Their words not mine- moments after the first thanksgiving. So open scene on a rather large pair of tits. Pan out to a pilgrim woman (wearing an awful lot of make up) who for seemingly no reason at all has her tits out. She looks terrified and begins to run through the woods, of course with her titties flippin and floppin all over the damn place. She is confronted by a rather unattractive talking turkey who says, "Nice tits bitch.", and kills her with a golden hatchet. Next we open on 5 college coeds that are so excited about Thanksgiving break that they decide to take their tops off and one of them has to correct the situation by saying, "It's thanksgiving, not titsgiving." So of the five there's a jock, a slut, a nerd, a redneck, and a good girl. Cut to a dog taking a piss in the woods, which apparently brings the evil turkey back to life. The 5 college students all pile in a jeep and head for their homes but the jeep breaks down and since they have tents and beer (for some reason) they decide to camp right there. One of them discovers an old sign reading "Crawberg" and remembers the story of an indian who was wronged by a pilgrim and curses all white men with an evil murderous turkey that will come back and kill any white men it can every 505 years. Apparently this is true- Turkeyologists have confirmed the story. Although the college students are terrified by the story they decide to stay and get drunk anyway. One of them goes into the woods to make a phone call and bumps into the evil turkey. He does not kill her, but he does establish that he has a potty mouth. She runs back to the camp and tells her friends what happened but they don't believe her and they all go to sleep. Then next morning they all wake up unharmed, fix the car and head to their homes. A man sees the turkey on the side of the road and pulls over to offer him a ride in exchange for "ass, grass, or cash". The turkey lies and says he'll give the man some ass, but the when the man starts to unzip his pants the turkey shoots him. Then the turkey steals the car to find the homes of all the students. First he finds the jock kid and kills his parents. The jock gets away and rounds up all the other kids except for the slut who he can't get ahold of. Meanwhile she's having sex with a random guy and the turkey finds her. The turkey sneaks in and kills the random guy and slips in to his place before she notices- using an extra small gravy flavored condom- again their words not mine. Once he gets off he kills her too and then moves on to find the rest. They all go to look for a book on killer turkeys (by the turkeyologists) at the good girl's dad's house. The turkey had already made it back to her dad's house and killer her dad, but no one notices when they get there because the turkey has made a mask out of her dad's face. When they find the book they learn that they need to remove the turkey's magic necklace, say an evil prayer, and burn the turkey at the stake. The redneck student gets hungry and bored and leaves to go look for something to eat. The turkey disguises himself as a delicious cartoon cooked turkey dinner and the redneck eats whole in one bite. The turkey then shoots the redneck with a shotgun from inside his stomach and pops his head out to exclaim, "Gobble Gobble, motherfucker!" When the three remaining students discover the rednecks dead body there is a montage accompanied by a beautiful song about friendship. Then the students go find the turkey's teepee where the turkey is making a salad. They tie the turkey up with a tiny bit of string and recite the prayer to make it so he's no longer invincible. They try to burn him but he tries to escape and ends up being shot in the head by the redneck who's dog peed on him and brought him back to life. He goes flying and lands in a dumpster. They all rejoice in his death and don't happen to notice that the dumpster is full of radioactive waste. They go to watch a movie and he comes back to life as a green glowing headless turkey. He kills two more of the students before finally being burned to death in a conveniently prebuilt bonfire. The end.
"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"
Okay- So I just watched the wonderful film- Jesus Christ Okay- So I just watched the wonderful film- Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and I thought I'd tell you all about how it all goes down. I'm assuming none of you will actually be stupid enough to watch the movie the way I did.We're in Ottawa, Canada, where there is currently a lesbian shortage because vampires are killing them all. Apparently if the chubby track suit wearing mad scientist that's creating all the vampires can kill lesbians and use their skin then the vampires can walk around in daylight. Of course. So- Jesus comes to save the day and after getting a hair cut and having his ears pierced, he breaks into a fully choreographed song and dance number. Then there is a scene where 30 or so Atheists pile out of a Jeep Wrangler as if they were circus clowns pouring out of a VW bug to fight jesus in an action packed scene that conjures images of West Side Story and the Three Stooges. After some priests set Jesus up with a sweet apartment a woman in a metallic pleather jumpsuit takes him to shop for vintage clothes. Then we learn that If a vampire ever asks you "do you want to play a game? Close your eyes.", don't do it because they will punch you in the face. After a long fight scene between Jesus (who is apparently a short, skinny, easily injured Jew) and two vampires, Jesus is left to lie bloody in the street where no one is willing to help (not even clergy or police!) except a really unconvincing drag queen in a bad wig holding a puppy. After the drag queen slips into a neglige she nurses jesus back to health and sings him a little song. Then god speaks to Jesus through a bowl of cherries and whipped cream and gives him some advice. Jesus enlists the help of an overweight retired professional wrestler named Santos wearing a silver gimp mask. They decide to stop at a night club to see a jazz act but soon discover the club is full of vampires. Then they must kill all the vampires using any wooden item the can find as stakes. Interestingly enough- tooth picks work just as well as pool cues and drum sticks when you need to kill some vampires in a pinch. Santos gets kidnapped and Jesus goes to save him but the vampires catch him and try to kill him by tying him up to the bumpers of two Honda Civics driving in opposite directions. Santos escapes and saves Jesus by biting through the ropes with his teeth. A long fight seen ensues during which we learn two important facts about Jesus. First- he's real bendy, and second- he can literally be in two places at once. Jesus gets stabbed through the heart, which you would think would be a bad thing, but he pulls the stake out to reveal the light of god, which he uses to kill the remaining vampires. Then he brings one back to life because Santos had developed a little crush on her. Jesus thought she was a lesbian, but it turns out it's okay- She's Bi. With the vampires dead Jesus puts on some sweet shades and goes to the park to preach the word of love but he temporarily loses the crowd when he gets a call on his cell phone during the sermon. It's okay though and the movie wraps up with a dance party in the park to a song with the highly repetitive lyrics, "It's okay. It's alright. Everybody gets laid tonight."
The end.
The end.
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