"Monsturd"

Okay. Here we go again. I am beginning to wonder if it's really worth my while to humor you people when doing so means that I have to waste so many hours of my life watching these ridiculous films. Today I watched a wonderful little flick titled, "Monsturd". Again, as in the past, I implore you- do NOT watch this movie. It's bad. That's why Im writing about it. If it were good I would just tell you to watch it instead of saving you the time and just telling you the plot. I had a little quarrel with a dear friend of mine today because after reading the synopsis for a film I recently wrote about, she decided to watch it. It was beyond terrible and she blamed me for making it sound interesting in the synopsis. I have told you before and I'll tell you again- if I make these films sound interesting it's because I enjoy writing entertaining summaries of what happens in them- not because the movies themselves are worth watching. I WILL NOT be held responsible for you wasting your time if you choose to watch one of these movies.
So- apparently the movie I watched today is supposed to be a twisted scary bedtime story thought up by a young girl trying to frighten her father. A crazy idiotic moron escapes from prison and the guard finds out about it because the ridiculous scarecrow the inmate left in his place won't wake up. Apparently a chemical company called Dutech has been doing experiments on this inmate so they're really upset about the whole thing. A woman at Dutech labs has an accident in one of the sealed testing facilities, and gets doodie all over her face. After the doodie gets on her face she dies and the mad scientist behind the experiment decides to dissolve her body in a big bucket of dry ice and water with green food coloring. Then he drags the whole bucket on the back of a truck and dumps it down the city sewer drain. The police go looking for the escaped inmate in the sewers but when he tries to escape he falls into a pool of ooze and he gets doodie all over his face too. Then he melts and all thats left is his skull. Next another policeman goes into the sewer for... a reason? - and he stumbles upon a huge- like real real big- steaming pile of... doodie- which has arms and grabs and eats him. Yes- the policeman is eaten by a gigantic steaming pile of shit. Next, for some reason or another, a different policeman beats the shit out of a puppet wearing a tie dye shirt. From here the giant doodie monster starts growing and feeding on more and more people, dudes with really dirty toilets, homeless people, etc. When the FBI gets involved they discover a mutant form of bacteria has been released into the sewers and go looking to the mad scientist that works at Dutech for answers. He plays dumb (and rather snippy) and then assembles a clean up crew to go dispose of any bacteria that may be down in the sewers. His crew is almost all eaten by the shit monster but the doctor makes it out alive. When the monster leaves a living witness, a small girl who informs police, "the biggest doodoo in the world came and took my daddy", the FBI surmises that the mutant bacteria has joined its DNA with that of the escaped serial killer who died in the sewers. When the FBI begs the local police force to keep the townsfolk away from their toilets, the sheriff says that he can't do that because the town's annual chili cook off is coming up and it brings in too many tourist dollars to call it off. The mad scientist decides to go back down into the sewer to try to study the shit man, luring him with corn and peanuts. When the shit man comes and tries to eat the scientist, the scientist tells him that he created him in a lab. This really upsets the monster, who complains, "I smell like shit, I look like shit, I feel like shit." When the scientist promises the monster that the chili cook off will be an all you can eat butt-fet (my words, not theirs- after sitting through all the butt and poop jokes in this movie I couldn't help myself)- the monster lets him live. Back in town the FBI is trying to find a way to kill the bacteria and, after many experiments, they find that diarrhea medicine does the trick. The sheriff and his force run out to buy every single bottle of anti diarrhea medicine, every roll of toilet paper and every diaper in the town. They also commission another scientist to breed 1 million flies for them to help with their master plan. With the chili cook off in full swing, the local police and the FBI combine their forces, to a total of 5 people, descend into the sewers to put their plan into action. They cover themselves in diapers as body armor, fill giant water guns with Pepto Bismal and go down to chase the poopoo monster out into the open, where another policeman will be waiting with the flies, who are supposed to eat the monster to death. The mad scientist goes down to the sewer to save the monsturd, luring him with fart noises. The poop man gets pissed though and kills the scientist, and then goes after the police. Their plan is successful though, they lure him out into the open and start spraying him with Pepto, which stuns him enough that he cant run away. The fly scientist shows up just in time, releases the million flies, who do in fact fly right at the smell of the monster and start eating him. He dies and the police walk away triumphant. Then we return to the bedroom of the little girl who thought the whole story up. When he father asks, "Yeah, then what happened?", she replies, "Then Hollywood bought the story rights and turned it into a movie that cost one hundred million dollars!"
The end.
I just want to clear up something- that little bitch was lying- this movie did not cost anywhere near $100 million to make.