"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"

Okay- So I just watched the wonderful film- Jesus Christ Okay- So I just watched the wonderful film- Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and I thought I'd tell you all about how it all goes down. I'm assuming none of you will actually be stupid enough to watch the movie the way I did.We're in Ottawa, Canada, where there is currently a lesbian shortage because vampires are killing them all. Apparently if the chubby track suit wearing mad scientist that's creating all the vampires can kill lesbians and use their skin then the vampires can walk around in daylight. Of course. So- Jesus comes to save the day and after getting a hair cut and having his ears pierced, he breaks into a fully choreographed song and dance number. Then there is a scene where 30 or so Atheists pile out of a Jeep Wrangler as if they were circus clowns pouring out of a VW bug to fight jesus in an action packed scene that conjures images of West Side Story and the Three Stooges. After some priests set Jesus up with a sweet apartment a woman in a metallic pleather jumpsuit takes him to shop for vintage clothes. Then we learn that If a vampire ever asks you "do you want to play a game? Close your eyes.", don't do it because they will punch you in the face. After a long fight scene between Jesus (who is apparently a short, skinny, easily injured Jew) and two vampires, Jesus is left to lie bloody in the street where no one is willing to help (not even clergy or police!) except a really unconvincing drag queen in a bad wig holding a puppy. After the drag queen slips into a neglige she nurses jesus back to health and sings him a little song. Then god speaks to Jesus through a bowl of cherries and whipped cream and gives him some advice. Jesus enlists the help of an overweight retired professional wrestler named Santos wearing a silver gimp mask. They decide to stop at a night club to see a jazz act but soon discover the club is full of vampires. Then they must kill all the vampires using any wooden item the can find as stakes. Interestingly enough- tooth picks work just as well as pool cues and drum sticks when you need to kill some vampires in a pinch. Santos gets kidnapped and Jesus goes to save him but the vampires catch him and try to kill him by tying him up to the bumpers of two Honda Civics driving in opposite directions. Santos escapes and saves Jesus by biting through the ropes with his teeth. A long fight seen ensues during which we learn two important facts about Jesus. First- he's real bendy, and second- he can literally be in two places at once. Jesus gets stabbed through the heart, which you would think would be a bad thing, but he pulls the stake out to reveal the light of god, which he uses to kill the remaining vampires. Then he brings one back to life because Santos had developed a little crush on her. Jesus thought she was a lesbian, but it turns out it's okay- She's Bi. With the vampires dead Jesus puts on some sweet shades and goes to the park to preach the word of love but he temporarily loses the crowd when he gets a call on his cell phone during the sermon. It's okay though and the movie wraps up with a dance party in the park to a song with the highly repetitive lyrics, "It's okay. It's alright. Everybody gets laid tonight."
The end.