Today I'll be telling you all about 1977's The Sentinel. This film was Universal's answer to The Exorcist and is actually not half bad although not nearly as popular. This film has an absurdly star studded cast, featuring many old Hollywood legends who were on their way out such as Ava Gardner and Burgess Meredith, as well as a few Hollywood hopefuls before they made it big like Beverly D'Angelo, Christopher Walken, and Jeff Goldblum.
A beautiful and very dated model named Alison and her lawyer boyfriend Michael are looking for apartments when the movie opens. He wants the two of them to live together in Manhattan, but she's looking for a cheaper place of her own. When Alison finds a gorgeous furnished apartment right on the promenade in Brooklyn Heights that's in her price range she wonders what the catch could be but decides to go for it.
Just before Alison moves in her father dies and she's forced to fly home for the funeral. At the last minute she decides not to go on to the services and stays back at the house she grew up in where she has flashbacks to when she tried to kill herself. She accidentally walks in on her father with two full figured call girls giggling and eating cake. Before she can turn to leave her elderly father springs from the bed and knocks over an empty birdcage, which sends her into hysterics and she runs to the bathroom to slit her wrists.
Back home Alison's about to move into her new digs when she notices a creepy figure staring at her from a top floor window. The realtor tells her he's a blind priest who always just sits facing the manhattan skyline. As soon as she's moved in strange things start happening to poor Alison. Animals start going bonkers at photo shoots, she starts having strange headaches and fainting spells, and she can't perform basic tasks on the job. She soon meets some of the neighbors in the building who include an eccentric old man who introduces himself as Charlie with a bird named Mortimer on one shoulder and a cat named Jezebel on the other. Next she meets her downstairs neighbors, a kooky pair of European lesbians. One of them, played by a very young Beverly D'Angelo, declines to speak but instead she attempts to masturbate through her leotard when the other goes to answer the phone.
The next day Alison is invited up to Charlie's apartment for a birthday party for his cat Jezebel where she meets all the other tenants in the building, all accept for the blind priest on the top floor. Later than night she has nightmares and wakes to find the chandelier over her bed swinging violently back and forth, and the sound of loud footsteps and metal scraping on the floor above her. When she contact the realtor about her problem she's informed that other than herself and the priest that no one has lived in the building for years. When Alison insists that other people are living there, the realtor offers to investigate the possibility of squatters in the building, but they find all the apartments totally empty and covered in cobwebs. When Alison insists on meeting the priest, they go up and knock but no one answers. The realtor says that he probably can't hear them but assures Alison that he's properly cared for since the New York Catholic Diocesan Society owns the building.
The next night she wakes to the same noises and swinging chandeliers so she takes a knife and a flashlight and goes to investigate. On her way she finds Jezebel the cat happily munching on poor Mortimer the bird in the hallway. She scares him off and keeps on looking. She enters the apartment above her and sees a figure rush off into another room. When she pursues it's her dead father who jumps out at her and in the room with him are the two call girls from years before. She rushes out of the room and stumbles into a table full of razorblades. She gets up and tries to rush off but her zombie father catches up to her and she's forced to stab at him to escape. He is apparently made of butter and with a few gentle scrapes of the knife he's cut to pieces on the floor. She rushes out into the street where she's immediately met by a dozen or so neighbors from other buildings who must have been patiently waiting by their doors for someone to pass by despite the late hour. They find our Alison covered in blood in her nightgown screaming that she killed her father.
When the police get involved it comes out that Michael's first wife killed herself and that the police suspected foul play on Michael's part. An officer accuses him of foul play this time around too. When Alison brings up the names of some of the other neighbors in the building it turns out that they're famous murderers who have been executed years before. When the body of a crooked private eye turns up dead a few blocks away the police concoct a theory that Michael had this man kill his first wife and the tried to use him again to scare poor Alison but it backfired.
When Alison takes the investigation into her own hands she uncovers some strange stuff that peaks Michael's interest too. He visits the Diocesan society himself and figures out that something really fishy is going on. He employs a shady pal of his to help him break into the Diocesan building after hours and digs up a file on the priest who lives in the building above Alison. He discovers that the priest used to go by another name and lived a normal life until he tried to commit suicide. After than he changed his name and became a priest. Upon further inspection he finds that he assumed the life of a priest the same day that another priest died. That priest had also lived a civilian life, tried to kill himself, and became a priest. Then he finds that the pattern continues back, than each civilian failed suicide becomes a priest (or nun) the day that the priest (or nun) before him (or her) dies. Then at the end of the file he finds his lady Alison with a history of attempted suicide and the date the she becomes Sister Theresa and the day that her holy neighbor dies is set for the following day.
He rushes home to make sure someone watches over her for the day, and heads off to confront the priest on the top floor. Alison heads to a party with a friend of hers, but has a headache and goes to lay down. When no one's watching she heads back to the house herself. Upstairs Michael finds out from the priest that the house is the entrance to Hell!!! Dun Dun Dun...
When he can't get anymore information from him, Michael flies into a rage and tries to kill the priest. Another figure comes from behind but we jump downstairs when Alison enters the house. She runs to her apartment and hides in a closet when she hears someone enter. It turns out to be Michael and he explains that the priests are kept in the house to guard the entrance to Hell and watch over it. He goes on to say that the people she'd met in the house were from Hell and were trying to get her to kill herself before it was her turn to watch over the gate. He then tells her that he was killed upstairs by one of the Diocese when he tried to kill the priest. He went to hell but was brought back to make sure she killed herself too. When she tries to escape she bumps into Charlie in the hall, who summons all the hellacious house guests along with a great number of deformed people, who I suppose we're to believe are evil too. Alison runs up to the priests room and they all follow her. Just as they've convinced her to end her life the priest and the Diocese enter the room and cast out all the demons. She picks up the cross and sits in the chair and that seems to be that.
Next the house is torn down and they begin to rent it out. When a couple looking at the building ask about the neighbors the realtor tells them that the woman next to them will be no trouble, she's a nun and keeps to herself...
Decent movie. A bit dated. I'm sure that it wasn't all that funny to read about, but I'm on a role and can't help but write about every horror I watch now...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
"Prophecy"
Today I'm going to tell you all about a little film from 1979 called Prophecy. An evil paper company has bought up the rights to log thousands of acres of virgin forest in Maine, but a group of native americans has decided to try to stop them. The EPA decides to step in and investigate whether or not the logging operation is okay to go on. They bring in a fancy schmancy public health specialist from New York City along with his wife Maggie who's pregnant but hasn't yet spilled the beans. It becomes clear early on that something more than just logging is going on in that forest but no one wants to assume responsibility. A group of loggers has gone missing, along with the entire search and rescue team sent to find them. The paper company blames the indians saying that they're just trying to scare the other loggers.
Right away our health specialist Dr. Rob Verne witnesses some really funky shit. When fishing on his first day in Maine he sees an outrageously large salmon that he just knows isn't naturally that size. Maybe because it's plastic, but who knows. Later that night, after he and Maggie eat his (normal sized) catch, an evil bloodthirsty raccoon with super human strength breaks into the cabin and tries to kill them. John is finally able to toss it into their fireplace and kill it. He decides that the cuckoo coon didn't have rabies so he sends it to a lab in New York.
The next morning he's approached by some of the Indians who want to tell him their side of what's going on. They walk to one of the elder's camps while they tell Rob and Maggie about how their simple fishing way of life has changed since the paper company came to Maine. They say that recently people in their village have developed strange disabilities and many of their women have been have miscarriages, still births, or mutated babies that they're forced to mercy kill. At the camp they see something strange in the water and fish it out, finding it to be a tadpole the size of a squirrel. It doesn't take our Robby long to figure out that the paper company has been using mercury in their operation and that the Indian population has been suffering from mercury poisoning and that the entire food chain has been affected.
Later that night a family is camping in the woods and is attacked by a giant plastic monster. We get ripped off when it comes to the gory fun stuff, all we get to see is this bloody hairless bear-like creature roar and open it's puppet mouth. As the youngest boy tries to hop away still zipped up in his sleeping bag the monster tosses him into a boulder. He hits the rock so hard that his sleeping bag explodes into a hilarious cloud of feathers (sans blood). At least now we know what we're up against.
The next morning Rob goes to collect blood samples from the Indians to prove that they're suffering from mercury poisoning and the head of the paper company arrives with the police. He accuses the Indians of violently murdering the sleeping family to scare away his logging crew. The police insist on taking away the leaders of the Indian camp and putting them in jail. Rob goes the crime scene to collect evidence and Maggie stumbles upon two mutant bear cub puppets, one alive and one dead, laying in the river. They take the mutated cubs with them as evidence of just how high the mercury levels must be in the waters near the paper plant. Maggie decides this is the perfect time to tell Rob that she's pregnant and that she fears that she may have a mutant baby now herself since she had eaten fish from the same waters that the Indians (and bear puppets) have.
The giant mutant mama bear arrives at the same moment looking for her babies and she manages to kill a couple peeps, maim some others, and scare the living turds out of everyone else before they escape to some tunnels below the camp. They find a car and try to escape but Mutant Mama finds them and tips the car over. One of the passengers who was injured before can't run off gets his head bitten off (off screen of course) leaving a headless and annoyingly bloodless corpse. The bear follows the the others as they swim their way across a lake. They reach the other side and look back to see that the bear seems not to be able to swim and they all celebrate as she drowns. Surprise! She didn't drown and pops back above the surface right in front of them. They run to the Verne's cabin and barricade themselves in but Mutant Mama rips the roof right off the place. They start shooting at her, Rob with a gun and the Indians with bow and arrow, but she manages to keep at her murderous rampage. Just before she picks Rob up to munch on him (off screen) he picks up an arrow and starts stabbing her in the throat to death until she dies.
Oh happy day, Mutant Mama is dead (and so is everyone else). Robby and Mags jump a plane back to New York and Maggie goes into the hospital to give birth. No mention is made to whether the baby is healthy or not. Just as we think it's all over, back in Maine another mutant bear rears it's ugly puppet head just before the credits role. DUN DUN DUN!!!
The end.
The moral of the story is pregnant women shouldn't eat fish from waters with high mercury levels.
Right away our health specialist Dr. Rob Verne witnesses some really funky shit. When fishing on his first day in Maine he sees an outrageously large salmon that he just knows isn't naturally that size. Maybe because it's plastic, but who knows. Later that night, after he and Maggie eat his (normal sized) catch, an evil bloodthirsty raccoon with super human strength breaks into the cabin and tries to kill them. John is finally able to toss it into their fireplace and kill it. He decides that the cuckoo coon didn't have rabies so he sends it to a lab in New York.
The next morning he's approached by some of the Indians who want to tell him their side of what's going on. They walk to one of the elder's camps while they tell Rob and Maggie about how their simple fishing way of life has changed since the paper company came to Maine. They say that recently people in their village have developed strange disabilities and many of their women have been have miscarriages, still births, or mutated babies that they're forced to mercy kill. At the camp they see something strange in the water and fish it out, finding it to be a tadpole the size of a squirrel. It doesn't take our Robby long to figure out that the paper company has been using mercury in their operation and that the Indian population has been suffering from mercury poisoning and that the entire food chain has been affected.
Later that night a family is camping in the woods and is attacked by a giant plastic monster. We get ripped off when it comes to the gory fun stuff, all we get to see is this bloody hairless bear-like creature roar and open it's puppet mouth. As the youngest boy tries to hop away still zipped up in his sleeping bag the monster tosses him into a boulder. He hits the rock so hard that his sleeping bag explodes into a hilarious cloud of feathers (sans blood). At least now we know what we're up against.
The next morning Rob goes to collect blood samples from the Indians to prove that they're suffering from mercury poisoning and the head of the paper company arrives with the police. He accuses the Indians of violently murdering the sleeping family to scare away his logging crew. The police insist on taking away the leaders of the Indian camp and putting them in jail. Rob goes the crime scene to collect evidence and Maggie stumbles upon two mutant bear cub puppets, one alive and one dead, laying in the river. They take the mutated cubs with them as evidence of just how high the mercury levels must be in the waters near the paper plant. Maggie decides this is the perfect time to tell Rob that she's pregnant and that she fears that she may have a mutant baby now herself since she had eaten fish from the same waters that the Indians (and bear puppets) have.
The giant mutant mama bear arrives at the same moment looking for her babies and she manages to kill a couple peeps, maim some others, and scare the living turds out of everyone else before they escape to some tunnels below the camp. They find a car and try to escape but Mutant Mama finds them and tips the car over. One of the passengers who was injured before can't run off gets his head bitten off (off screen of course) leaving a headless and annoyingly bloodless corpse. The bear follows the the others as they swim their way across a lake. They reach the other side and look back to see that the bear seems not to be able to swim and they all celebrate as she drowns. Surprise! She didn't drown and pops back above the surface right in front of them. They run to the Verne's cabin and barricade themselves in but Mutant Mama rips the roof right off the place. They start shooting at her, Rob with a gun and the Indians with bow and arrow, but she manages to keep at her murderous rampage. Just before she picks Rob up to munch on him (off screen) he picks up an arrow and starts stabbing her in the throat to death until she dies.
Oh happy day, Mutant Mama is dead (and so is everyone else). Robby and Mags jump a plane back to New York and Maggie goes into the hospital to give birth. No mention is made to whether the baby is healthy or not. Just as we think it's all over, back in Maine another mutant bear rears it's ugly puppet head just before the credits role. DUN DUN DUN!!!
The end.
The moral of the story is pregnant women shouldn't eat fish from waters with high mercury levels.
Monday, July 12, 2010
"Night of the Comet"
Today I'll be retelling the boring and poorly told tale of 1984's Night of the Comet. I don't quite understand the title. There is a comet but the movie takes place over the span of several days. I guess it's unimportant. It's almost Christmas in LA and an ancient comet is about to fly by the earth for the first time since the extinction of the dinosaurs. Everyone wants to be outside to witness the comet's trail through the night sky but some people get stuck indoors. poor Regina is working the night shift at the el Rey theater and her sister Samantha has a fight with their stepmother, runs away and stays in a storage shed. As the comet approaches the sky turns red and orange and everyone exposed to the strange light turns to dust.
The next morning the girls wake up unharmed but seem to notice that something fishy's going on and that no one's around anywhere. They notice that they can't reach anyone on the phone but that their favorite radio station's still playing so they go to see if they can find anyone. At the radio station they run into Hector, who spent the night indoors as well. He says that he had seen some scary looking survivors earlier in the day that attacked and ate a cat alive. Sam gets on the radio to signal to any other survivors and receives a call from some people claiming to be part of a research team in a bunker somewhere. When she goes to get Hector and Reg the phones go out and she loses them. Before she got off the phone with them they did tell her to be careful on the streets and that some people who may have survived could be very dangerous. When they can't get anyone back on the phone Hector decides to go to San Diego to find his mother and leaves the girls to roam the city alone. Hector doesn't find his madre at home but instead finds a neighborhood kid intent on eating Hector for lunch. Hector is able to flee the scene unharmed just in time for a really awesome montage with Sam and Reg shopping their time away in empty LA department stores set to an incredibly terrible Cindy Lauper cover song.
Unfortunately our girls aren't alone during their shopping spree. A group of men are watching Sam and Reg over the security cameras and decide that they look delicious. They get to Sam first and use her as bait for Reg. They tie them up and start to toy with them. It's not polite to play with your food, and so, they have to be punished. Just as their about to start eating Sam and Reg, the scientists from the bunker arrive and save the day. Very convenient. They shoot the guys up and save our girls in the nick of time. They take Reg away to the bunker in a helicopter and let Sam stay behind to wait for Hector. While waiting for Hector to show up one of the scientists starts writing a note to give to him explaining what the fuck is going on. Thank god cuz I still didn't even get it. I have to say that it was at this point that I almost turned the goddamn movie off it was so terrible. I mean, valley girls + horror film + comet from outer space = awesome right? wrong.
So apparently the people that weren't fully dustified by the light of the comet were slowly drying up from within because of the after effects from the comet's rays of light. I would think that there should be a lot more zombie comet victims roaming the streets but what do I know. The scientist goes on to say that even they were exposed and were slowly beginning to show symptoms. The reason they had found Reg and Sam was that they were looking for someone who might be immune to the effects of the event. Sam is showing symptoms so they leave her behind to be killed but she tells the doctor that she always gets a rash when she's stressed out. The doctor realizes that Sam isn't infected after all so she gives Sam a shot that puts her to sleep to make the others down in the Bunker think that she was killed. Then the doctor finishes the letter to Hector who's on his way letting him know of the other scientist's sinister plan. She confides in Hector that they plan to drain the blood of those unaffected by the comet and use it to find a cure. When Hector arrives he finds the scientist and a groggy but very much alive Sam. The doctor gives Hector the note and gives herself the lethal injection that was meant for Sam.
Reg, down in the bunker, gets the impression that something strange is going on. Other survivors seem to be brought into a operating room but never come out. Even some children are led into the room and Reg gets frustrated that none of the doctors seem to want to answer any of her questions. She breaks free from the room where she's being held and tries to find the other she saw earlier. Unfortunately she finds out just what's going on and that it's too late for most of the survivors. Above ground Hector and Sam show up to the compound and start fighting their way into to save Reg. Sam turns off the generator for the compound, creating poorly acted confusion and hard to believe chaos. Back below Reg walks in on some scientists just as they are about to put two annoying kids to sleep with gas maxes. Fortunately these kids, though terrible actors, are good listeners and remember an important lesson. "My mommy told me never to breathe anything from strangers." That's one lesson my mother neglected to teach me- Because she's an unfit mother obviously.
Anyways, Reg stops them in the knick of time, well kind of, since the gas wasn't pumping anymore anyway thanks to Sam. So Reg stops them and saves the kids and then Sam finds her and leads everyone up to the surface. Back up above Hector is pouring some fun gasoline on the cars at the compound. When Reg and Sam get upstairs he's all finished and he drives his own car to pick them up. When the other scientists reach the surface they get in their car and try to follow, but go kablooey instead. Great fun.
The ditzy survivors head back toward LA when it starts to rain, washing all the gross dead people dust off the streets and down into the sewer. Hector and Reg fall in lurv and plan to raise the kids as their own. Sam feels lonely and jealous but right as we think the movie is over a random blond surfer dude drives up in a car almost hitting Sam as she crosses the street. He tells her she shouldn't cross the street without the walk signal and after asking his name they all live happily ever after.
The end.
I implore you NEVER to watch this film. It took all the strength I possess not to turn it off half way and return it to Netflix. I knew it was my duty to finish- all for you. See what I do for you? You're welcome.
The next morning the girls wake up unharmed but seem to notice that something fishy's going on and that no one's around anywhere. They notice that they can't reach anyone on the phone but that their favorite radio station's still playing so they go to see if they can find anyone. At the radio station they run into Hector, who spent the night indoors as well. He says that he had seen some scary looking survivors earlier in the day that attacked and ate a cat alive. Sam gets on the radio to signal to any other survivors and receives a call from some people claiming to be part of a research team in a bunker somewhere. When she goes to get Hector and Reg the phones go out and she loses them. Before she got off the phone with them they did tell her to be careful on the streets and that some people who may have survived could be very dangerous. When they can't get anyone back on the phone Hector decides to go to San Diego to find his mother and leaves the girls to roam the city alone. Hector doesn't find his madre at home but instead finds a neighborhood kid intent on eating Hector for lunch. Hector is able to flee the scene unharmed just in time for a really awesome montage with Sam and Reg shopping their time away in empty LA department stores set to an incredibly terrible Cindy Lauper cover song.
Unfortunately our girls aren't alone during their shopping spree. A group of men are watching Sam and Reg over the security cameras and decide that they look delicious. They get to Sam first and use her as bait for Reg. They tie them up and start to toy with them. It's not polite to play with your food, and so, they have to be punished. Just as their about to start eating Sam and Reg, the scientists from the bunker arrive and save the day. Very convenient. They shoot the guys up and save our girls in the nick of time. They take Reg away to the bunker in a helicopter and let Sam stay behind to wait for Hector. While waiting for Hector to show up one of the scientists starts writing a note to give to him explaining what the fuck is going on. Thank god cuz I still didn't even get it. I have to say that it was at this point that I almost turned the goddamn movie off it was so terrible. I mean, valley girls + horror film + comet from outer space = awesome right? wrong.
So apparently the people that weren't fully dustified by the light of the comet were slowly drying up from within because of the after effects from the comet's rays of light. I would think that there should be a lot more zombie comet victims roaming the streets but what do I know. The scientist goes on to say that even they were exposed and were slowly beginning to show symptoms. The reason they had found Reg and Sam was that they were looking for someone who might be immune to the effects of the event. Sam is showing symptoms so they leave her behind to be killed but she tells the doctor that she always gets a rash when she's stressed out. The doctor realizes that Sam isn't infected after all so she gives Sam a shot that puts her to sleep to make the others down in the Bunker think that she was killed. Then the doctor finishes the letter to Hector who's on his way letting him know of the other scientist's sinister plan. She confides in Hector that they plan to drain the blood of those unaffected by the comet and use it to find a cure. When Hector arrives he finds the scientist and a groggy but very much alive Sam. The doctor gives Hector the note and gives herself the lethal injection that was meant for Sam.
Reg, down in the bunker, gets the impression that something strange is going on. Other survivors seem to be brought into a operating room but never come out. Even some children are led into the room and Reg gets frustrated that none of the doctors seem to want to answer any of her questions. She breaks free from the room where she's being held and tries to find the other she saw earlier. Unfortunately she finds out just what's going on and that it's too late for most of the survivors. Above ground Hector and Sam show up to the compound and start fighting their way into to save Reg. Sam turns off the generator for the compound, creating poorly acted confusion and hard to believe chaos. Back below Reg walks in on some scientists just as they are about to put two annoying kids to sleep with gas maxes. Fortunately these kids, though terrible actors, are good listeners and remember an important lesson. "My mommy told me never to breathe anything from strangers." That's one lesson my mother neglected to teach me- Because she's an unfit mother obviously.
Anyways, Reg stops them in the knick of time, well kind of, since the gas wasn't pumping anymore anyway thanks to Sam. So Reg stops them and saves the kids and then Sam finds her and leads everyone up to the surface. Back up above Hector is pouring some fun gasoline on the cars at the compound. When Reg and Sam get upstairs he's all finished and he drives his own car to pick them up. When the other scientists reach the surface they get in their car and try to follow, but go kablooey instead. Great fun.
The ditzy survivors head back toward LA when it starts to rain, washing all the gross dead people dust off the streets and down into the sewer. Hector and Reg fall in lurv and plan to raise the kids as their own. Sam feels lonely and jealous but right as we think the movie is over a random blond surfer dude drives up in a car almost hitting Sam as she crosses the street. He tells her she shouldn't cross the street without the walk signal and after asking his name they all live happily ever after.
The end.
I implore you NEVER to watch this film. It took all the strength I possess not to turn it off half way and return it to Netflix. I knew it was my duty to finish- all for you. See what I do for you? You're welcome.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
"Murder Party"
Today I'll be retelling the tale of 2007's indie delight, Murder Party. I have to say that I actually really enjoyed this movie.
We open on the streets of Brooklyn as the sun sets on Halloween. An unassuming down on his luck dorky guy named Christopher is walking home from the video store when he finds an invitation to a "murder party" blowing down the street. He picks it up and carries it home but gets ready to stay in for the night with a stack of scary movies and a bowl of candy corn for trick or treaters. When his fat ugly ass cat wont get out of his chair so he can watch the movies he decides to google map the address of the party. He picks up his jack'o'lantern that some hoodlums have smashed on his front step and whips it up into a fresh raisin studded loaf of pumpkin bread, not wanting to crash without a bringing a gift. What a nice guy! Then he turns a cardboard box and some duct tape into a knight costume, drops the candy corn on the front step, and heads to the subway. He gets off at the Bedford L train stop in ever trendy Williamsburg and starts walking. At first his trip down Bedford is filled with slutty girls and crazy costumes but his directions lead him off into the industrial warehouse district up on the Williamsburg/Greenpoint border.
He arrives at a secluded industrial artist loft to find a small gathering of bored Williamsburg hipsters lazily sitting around in costumes. When they finally notice him they all jump to their feet and approach. They welcome him to the party and say he's just a little early. He notices that chainsaws, axes and rope are laid out neatly on plastic sheeting that covers the floor. A hipster named Paul snags his invitation and burns it in front of him while Macon, dressed as a warewolf, picks up an axe and sneaks up behind him. Just as he's about to bring the axe down on Christopher's head, the axe gets caught on a dangling light switch string. The light comes on and everyone sees the shadow of the axe behind his head and they jump him, wrestle him to the ground, and tie him to a chair.
Then this blundering bunch begins to bicker about what to do next. Sky, dressed as a zombie cheerleader, insists that they shouldn't kill him after all but should instead go to Cicero's party, which is only, like, 3 blocks away. While trying to convince the others she munches on some pumpkin bread. Lexi gets a call on her cell phone and announces that someone named Alexander is on his way over. Lexi insists that they should murder him according to the original plan, especially since he's a white male. She say's he's probably even a republican. Paul answers back that his murder isn't about politics, it's about art.
Sky says she has a plan that might be arty enough without having to murder the guy but before she reveals it she notices the raisins in the pumpkin bread. She asks, "Are these raisins?" Our hero shakes his head yes. "Are they organic?" He shakes his head no. She says, "I'll be fine I just get really dizzy. I just need to sit down I just get really dizzy. It's preservatives. I'm allergic to them." As she goes to sit down she falls over and bashes her head on the sharp end of a pick axe. She stands back up and says, "Oops hehe." As blood starts to pour from the side of her head she say, "Smells like cut grass. What?" and she falls over dead. The rest of the group disinterestedly look over at her and Lexi says,"Sky just died."
The others all blame Sky's demise on Christopher and decide to kill him then and there. Macon picks up a giant jug of acid that someone brought along, and screams, "This is happening! What What What Motherfucker What? I want to hear the screaming!" and pours the entire bottle all over Christopher, but then starts crying, "Oh Oh Oh I'm so sorry! Oh I'm so sorry I did that! Oh Please forgive me! Oh Oh Oh I didn't mean to do that!" When nothing happens they notice that the jug is labeled Acetic Acid. Lexi looks it up on her cell phone and discovers that acetic acid is the scientific name for vinegar.
Lexi's phone rings and she screams and says, "Oh my god it's Alexander. He's here. He's gonna think we're a bunch of dildos." They all scramble to hide Sky's body before they let him in. Alexander enters with a dog dressed in a skeleton costume and a drug dealer named Zycho. He's dressed as a vampire and notices that Paul is too, so he makes Paul strip down to his underwear and says, "You're hairy. Hmm. Okay so, who is this dildo?"
It turns out that Alexander is offering a $300,000 grant to the person at the party who can come up with the most creative and artistic way to murder poor Christopher. They all scramble to rattle off their ideas, which range from using his blood to make paper mache to stapling a pancake to his face and shoving him in front of the G train. Alexander is not impressed for some reason and decides instead that they should all order some pizza, shoot some sodium pentathol and play extreme truth or dare. With truth serum coursing their viens they all confess that they're all insecure and fear that their art isn't good enough. Then they say that they're kicking Bill out of the art collective because he's too good and they hate him for it. Macon confesses that he's in love with Lexi and would do anything for her. They inject Christopher too and he confesses that he's a meter maid who makes a living ruining peoples days, that if he died no one would miss him, and that he never told anyone he was coming to the murder party.
This is when things start to get really fun. Macon steps out side to have a cigarette but decides to try to smoke it through his rubber warewolf max. The max catches on fire and Lexi discovers him screaming outside a few minutes later. No one else takes notice though because Paul and Alexander are arguing about the legitimacy of Alexanders claim to have access to grant money. Lexi puts Macon's face out with a fire extinguisher and drags him inside. Paul finds the sodium pentathol and injects Alexander, who hadn't taken any before. Alexander confesses that he's actually a fry cook who lives with his grandmother in New Jersey, he has no grant money, and he came up with the idea for the murder party so he could murder all the artists and sell their artwork because it would be worth more after their deaths. Alexander orders Zycho to shoot everyone, and he kills Paul first and Lexi jumps on his back. They start fighting and Zycho tries to choke her. Alexander's dog eats a bag of drugs, attacks Alexander, and bites his mouth off. Macon comes to and peels the melted max off his face to reveal a horribly burned and disfigured bloody mess. He grabs an electric chainsaw and cuts off Zycho's legs, freeing Lexi. She runs and frees Christopher and grabs her cell phone.
Still bitter about being kicked out of the collective, Bill picks up an axe and bashes Lexi's head in and then finishes off Alexander. Macon's lying on the floor and Bill thinks he's dead so he starts to chase after Christopher. Christopher runs to the roof of the building and starts jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bill runs after him with the axe and Macon, back up, runs after him with the electric chainsaw and extension cord. Christopher inadvertently stumbles upon Cicero's party that Sky was talking about in the beginning and runs down the stairs to hide inside. He runs into a room where a bunch of naked women in body paint are doing a performance art piece and closes the door behind him. Bill finds him though and kills everyone else in the room before getting to Christopher. Macon finds the party too and starts screaming about avenging Lexi by killing Bill. He plugs the extension cord into an outlet on the roof but loses his footing and falls backwards, flying past an open window in the room where Bill is about to kill Christopher. Christopher reaches out and retrieves the chainsaw by the cord, which is still plugged in above, and saws it right into Bill's face. He leaves the room and grabs someones cell phone, dials 911, and hands it back to them saying, "It's for you." A bunch of art critics walk to the open door of the room where Bill and all the performance artists are lying dead and exclaim, "Still life as performance art."
Christopher walks home from the party because his wallet and metro card were stolen by the Zycho. When he gets home covered in blood he makes his damn fat ugly cat get out of his chair and pops in a scary movie.
The end.
We open on the streets of Brooklyn as the sun sets on Halloween. An unassuming down on his luck dorky guy named Christopher is walking home from the video store when he finds an invitation to a "murder party" blowing down the street. He picks it up and carries it home but gets ready to stay in for the night with a stack of scary movies and a bowl of candy corn for trick or treaters. When his fat ugly ass cat wont get out of his chair so he can watch the movies he decides to google map the address of the party. He picks up his jack'o'lantern that some hoodlums have smashed on his front step and whips it up into a fresh raisin studded loaf of pumpkin bread, not wanting to crash without a bringing a gift. What a nice guy! Then he turns a cardboard box and some duct tape into a knight costume, drops the candy corn on the front step, and heads to the subway. He gets off at the Bedford L train stop in ever trendy Williamsburg and starts walking. At first his trip down Bedford is filled with slutty girls and crazy costumes but his directions lead him off into the industrial warehouse district up on the Williamsburg/Greenpoint border.
He arrives at a secluded industrial artist loft to find a small gathering of bored Williamsburg hipsters lazily sitting around in costumes. When they finally notice him they all jump to their feet and approach. They welcome him to the party and say he's just a little early. He notices that chainsaws, axes and rope are laid out neatly on plastic sheeting that covers the floor. A hipster named Paul snags his invitation and burns it in front of him while Macon, dressed as a warewolf, picks up an axe and sneaks up behind him. Just as he's about to bring the axe down on Christopher's head, the axe gets caught on a dangling light switch string. The light comes on and everyone sees the shadow of the axe behind his head and they jump him, wrestle him to the ground, and tie him to a chair.
Then this blundering bunch begins to bicker about what to do next. Sky, dressed as a zombie cheerleader, insists that they shouldn't kill him after all but should instead go to Cicero's party, which is only, like, 3 blocks away. While trying to convince the others she munches on some pumpkin bread. Lexi gets a call on her cell phone and announces that someone named Alexander is on his way over. Lexi insists that they should murder him according to the original plan, especially since he's a white male. She say's he's probably even a republican. Paul answers back that his murder isn't about politics, it's about art.
Sky says she has a plan that might be arty enough without having to murder the guy but before she reveals it she notices the raisins in the pumpkin bread. She asks, "Are these raisins?" Our hero shakes his head yes. "Are they organic?" He shakes his head no. She says, "I'll be fine I just get really dizzy. I just need to sit down I just get really dizzy. It's preservatives. I'm allergic to them." As she goes to sit down she falls over and bashes her head on the sharp end of a pick axe. She stands back up and says, "Oops hehe." As blood starts to pour from the side of her head she say, "Smells like cut grass. What?" and she falls over dead. The rest of the group disinterestedly look over at her and Lexi says,"Sky just died."
The others all blame Sky's demise on Christopher and decide to kill him then and there. Macon picks up a giant jug of acid that someone brought along, and screams, "This is happening! What What What Motherfucker What? I want to hear the screaming!" and pours the entire bottle all over Christopher, but then starts crying, "Oh Oh Oh I'm so sorry! Oh I'm so sorry I did that! Oh Please forgive me! Oh Oh Oh I didn't mean to do that!" When nothing happens they notice that the jug is labeled Acetic Acid. Lexi looks it up on her cell phone and discovers that acetic acid is the scientific name for vinegar.
Lexi's phone rings and she screams and says, "Oh my god it's Alexander. He's here. He's gonna think we're a bunch of dildos." They all scramble to hide Sky's body before they let him in. Alexander enters with a dog dressed in a skeleton costume and a drug dealer named Zycho. He's dressed as a vampire and notices that Paul is too, so he makes Paul strip down to his underwear and says, "You're hairy. Hmm. Okay so, who is this dildo?"
It turns out that Alexander is offering a $300,000 grant to the person at the party who can come up with the most creative and artistic way to murder poor Christopher. They all scramble to rattle off their ideas, which range from using his blood to make paper mache to stapling a pancake to his face and shoving him in front of the G train. Alexander is not impressed for some reason and decides instead that they should all order some pizza, shoot some sodium pentathol and play extreme truth or dare. With truth serum coursing their viens they all confess that they're all insecure and fear that their art isn't good enough. Then they say that they're kicking Bill out of the art collective because he's too good and they hate him for it. Macon confesses that he's in love with Lexi and would do anything for her. They inject Christopher too and he confesses that he's a meter maid who makes a living ruining peoples days, that if he died no one would miss him, and that he never told anyone he was coming to the murder party.
This is when things start to get really fun. Macon steps out side to have a cigarette but decides to try to smoke it through his rubber warewolf max. The max catches on fire and Lexi discovers him screaming outside a few minutes later. No one else takes notice though because Paul and Alexander are arguing about the legitimacy of Alexanders claim to have access to grant money. Lexi puts Macon's face out with a fire extinguisher and drags him inside. Paul finds the sodium pentathol and injects Alexander, who hadn't taken any before. Alexander confesses that he's actually a fry cook who lives with his grandmother in New Jersey, he has no grant money, and he came up with the idea for the murder party so he could murder all the artists and sell their artwork because it would be worth more after their deaths. Alexander orders Zycho to shoot everyone, and he kills Paul first and Lexi jumps on his back. They start fighting and Zycho tries to choke her. Alexander's dog eats a bag of drugs, attacks Alexander, and bites his mouth off. Macon comes to and peels the melted max off his face to reveal a horribly burned and disfigured bloody mess. He grabs an electric chainsaw and cuts off Zycho's legs, freeing Lexi. She runs and frees Christopher and grabs her cell phone.
Still bitter about being kicked out of the collective, Bill picks up an axe and bashes Lexi's head in and then finishes off Alexander. Macon's lying on the floor and Bill thinks he's dead so he starts to chase after Christopher. Christopher runs to the roof of the building and starts jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bill runs after him with the axe and Macon, back up, runs after him with the electric chainsaw and extension cord. Christopher inadvertently stumbles upon Cicero's party that Sky was talking about in the beginning and runs down the stairs to hide inside. He runs into a room where a bunch of naked women in body paint are doing a performance art piece and closes the door behind him. Bill finds him though and kills everyone else in the room before getting to Christopher. Macon finds the party too and starts screaming about avenging Lexi by killing Bill. He plugs the extension cord into an outlet on the roof but loses his footing and falls backwards, flying past an open window in the room where Bill is about to kill Christopher. Christopher reaches out and retrieves the chainsaw by the cord, which is still plugged in above, and saws it right into Bill's face. He leaves the room and grabs someones cell phone, dials 911, and hands it back to them saying, "It's for you." A bunch of art critics walk to the open door of the room where Bill and all the performance artists are lying dead and exclaim, "Still life as performance art."
Christopher walks home from the party because his wallet and metro card were stolen by the Zycho. When he gets home covered in blood he makes his damn fat ugly cat get out of his chair and pops in a scary movie.
The end.
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